“Yet we have to consider, did we steal enough land?” Christ wrote. “We’ve got students to house, and, like, I mean, listen: a $4.1 billion endowment doesn’t exactly make us rich you know? What, you expect us to just buy a building to develop over when there’s some perfectly good public space right there for the taking?”
God Confirms He Isn’t Dead, Just Went Out for Milk
In spite of God’s literal, physical manifestation on Sproul, many of His doubters remain unconvinced of his existence.
“If God is real,” began renowned logician and meme inventor Dickhard Rawskins, “why hasn’t he given me the Limited Edition Ultra Rare Pyrus Bakugan I’ve been praying for since third grade? He didn’t give it to me then, and he isn’t giving it to me now, so clearly he is either not real, or a real bitch.”
Following Parents’ Weekend, Students Count Down Days Until Next Seeing Jake’s Mom
BERKELEY, Calif. – The Berkeley student body quickly fell into a deep depression after realizing that it would be another year before their next encounter with Jake’s mom. Her presence this year had caused quite the disruption at many of the planned Homecoming events.
“At the Parents’ Weekend Sportaganza on Memorial Field, all eyes were on her,” Tom Marsh of Rally Committee said. “Nobody even paid any attention to the main event: a fight to the death between Oski and forty-three allied freshmen. The audience was too transfixed by her presence: mature, yet seductive. Heck, a buddy of mine on the ASUC financial committee says that every restaurant she visited experienced a 112% surge in popularity!”
Big Student Athlete Loves His Little Scooter
BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.
“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”
Heartbreaking: That YoPo Flavor Is Sugar-Free
BERKELEY, Calif. – Yogurt Park patrons breathed a collective deep sigh on Tuesday upon realizing the best flavor was, in fact, sugar-free. “This happens basically …
‘Kanye West is the Greatest Rapper of All Time’ Says Man Who Has Clearly Never Heard of Macklemore
“Remember ‘Same Love?’ I doubt gay marriage would still be legal if that wasn’t released. And let’s not forget his profound societal commentary found in ‘White Privilege II.’ Like, as a white man, he gets that people are racist. The Grammy Voting Committee clearly agrees!”
Big Man’s Ego Totally Dependent on Slamming Tiny Ball into Tiny Net
BERKELEY, Calif. — Failing to relive the glory afforded to him in high school by being a mid-tier varsity water polo player, Cal freshman Dominic Hughes has poured his heart and soul into a new favorite pastime.
“My fragile, fragile ego’s been in, like, freefall ever since I arrived here last month,” explained Hughes while slamming a tiny ball into a tiny net on the Glade. “But ever since I discovered Spikeball, it’s been propped up by a precarious, Jenga-like support system, which is, like, a total relief. Once I saw five consecutive games being played exclusively by other dudes in the 5’10” to 6’2”, moderately athletic range, I knew I was home.”
RECALL ELECTION: Just Check This Box That Says No to Not Never Recalling Newsom and Leave This Other Section Completely Blank and Also
Are you happy with Newsom? Yes? No? There are only two questions on the ballot, but each part requires a multi-step highly-personalized validation process, so make sure to evaluate this ballot with care, or you won’t be fulfilling your God-given right to select an elected official. Want another Democratic governor? Sorry! We have eighteen hundred other Republican candidates lined up for the job that will be placed in a Hunger-Games style lottery to fill Newsom’s position should the election go that way, but definitely don’t fill in that part if you’re a Democrat.
After COVID Vaccine, Cal Wide Receiver Can’t Catch Anything
After Cal’s devastating loss to the Nevada Wolf Pack, it has become apparent that the COVID-19 vaccine has prevented wide receiver Wayne Johnson from catching anything.
“I knew that getting vaccinated would prevent me from catching COVID, but I didn’t know the effects of the vaccine would be so weird,” reported Wayne as he dropped a frisbee. “After I got vaccinated my work schedule started having back to back shifts. I can’t catch a break. I’ve also been blanking on what people say after ‘Go’ at Berkeley. I think it starts with a B but my catchphrase knowledge is out the window.”
Woman Who Shit Herself in Public: “At Least I’m Not Being Forced to Hand Out Flyers For My Marketing Club”
Bowman later issued a statement claiming that public defecation was “Like a 4 on the scale of humiliation. After a week of verbally assaulting students on Sproul to inquire about their (obvious lack of) interest in sustainable business, I don’t think I have a sense of self anymore. My humanity kind of feels stripped to an abstract concept after trying to convince three thousand underclassmen that my club is worth taking an Airpod out for.”