Carol Christ went full glam at last weekend’s home game, proving she’s not only capable of stealing land, but also the spotlight.

“Oh this little thing?” Chancellor Christ asked while gesturing to her dress in a box seat. “It’s just a cheap $14,253 dress that hugs all the right places while I snub public spaces! Read the bold statement on the tush, ‘Save People’s Park!’ Doesn’t it say everything but do absolutely nothing? I just find so much symbolism in that irony. Kind of like how I see the People’s Park development as a win-win-win situation for me, myself, and I.” 

The designer of the dress, Jauora Lames from BARE magazine, attests the gown is a daring celebration of the University’s performative solutions for the housing crisis they created.

“The dress is made entirely out of those deceivingly ‘compostable’ plastic cups from Strada,” Lames claimed. “Since the city actually doesn’t have the facilities to break down the material, we just set them on fire and molded the liquid in the Makerspace. It’s a metaphor, really, for our active responsibility to support our community by making the problems they face worse. Plus, as far as I’m concerned there’s no better place to have spent the money.”

Following backlash to the design, Christ defended the dress.

“I’ve been listening to organizers, students, and community members, and I just want to clarify that I got this super-duper nice dress as a gift from the Regents of the University of California, who also paid for my tickets to the game. And, no, it’s not bribery, it’s called friendship.”

Freshman student Brian Park expressed his confusion after Christ personally told him she used his in-state tuition to sponsor the dress.

“I don’t really understand why she didn’t just donate the money to the organizers’ Venmo @PParkBerk1. I think she thinks it’s an honor? And after I asked if she could help pay my over $100 late drop fees in return, she said ‘Oooo sorry ol’ sport, maybe fill out this survey?’” 

Other box office attendees claim Christ boasted the designer of the dress has been working with grassroots organizations to help protect the park. 

“No, no, no, dearie,” Lames explained. “The darling Chancellor misheard me! She’s been working with grassroots organizations to protect the Clark, a fan club of students who think former Berkeley President Clark Kerr is ‘Zaddy.’ It’s a common mistake, really.”

Ultimately, those engaged in the discourse can agree on one thing: because the Chancellor started the conversation, she is now exempt from making any further comments about it.

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