BERKELEY, Calif. – Sproul preacher Preach Preacher garnered significant attention last Wednesday when he delivered an uncannily-detailed sermon about Hell. “There’s fire everywhere! Everything smells …
Local Indophile Excited to Finally Have 100% Authentic Indian Roommate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic …
Astrology Added to Side of VLSB
BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California has decided that, alongside chemistry, biology, and, unsurprisingly, biochemistry, the Valley Life Sciences Building (VLSB) should have a …
If You Didn’t Want to Go Medically Bankrupt, You Should Have Thought of That Before You Got Hit by That U-Haul
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking display of thoughtless neglect, UC Berkeley freshman Hans Dummkopf failed to consider his lack of funds before selfishly getting …
Class No Longer Optional
BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that …
Biden Infrastructure Bill Enables Berkeley to Finally Build a Second Two-Way Street
BERKELEY, Calif. — Anticipating infrastructure improvements from President Biden’s Build Back Better Act, Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguín has promised to use the new funding to …
Expanded RSF Now Offers Over 25 Different Kinds Of Waits
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an effort to expand the range of available workout options, the Recreational Sports Facility announced Monday that it will now offer …
Frat Bro’s Wrist Sore After Thunderous Slap From Campus Administration
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sigma Alpha Epsilon recruiter Trey Treyson reported a sore wrist after a slightly-harder-than-usual slap from university administration Friday morning. “Bruh! This is …
Carol Christ Throws It Back
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unprecedented turn of precedented events, Chancellor Christ has announced that classes will be online for the first two weeks of …
European Country “Not Ready” For These Three Kappa Sisters
MADRID — “Please, please, God no!” Spanish border officials proclaimed Thursday after being forced to process repeated threats via Instagram story emerging from various Cal …