BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking display of thoughtless neglect, UC Berkeley freshman Hans Dummkopf failed to consider his lack of funds before selfishly getting …
Class No Longer Optional
BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that …
Biden Infrastructure Bill Enables Berkeley to Finally Build a Second Two-Way Street
BERKELEY, Calif. — Anticipating infrastructure improvements from President Biden’s Build Back Better Act, Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguín has promised to use the new funding to …
Expanded RSF Now Offers Over 25 Different Kinds Of Waits
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an effort to expand the range of available workout options, the Recreational Sports Facility announced Monday that it will now offer …
Frat Bro’s Wrist Sore After Thunderous Slap From Campus Administration
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sigma Alpha Epsilon recruiter Trey Treyson reported a sore wrist after a slightly-harder-than-usual slap from university administration Friday morning. “Bruh! This is …
Carol Christ Throws It Back
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unprecedented turn of precedented events, Chancellor Christ has announced that classes will be online for the first two weeks of …
European Country “Not Ready” For These Three Kappa Sisters
MADRID — “Please, please, God no!” Spanish border officials proclaimed Thursday after being forced to process repeated threats via Instagram story emerging from various Cal …
Tragic: Hometown Tinder
SAN FRANCISCO — Nationwide, college students home for the holidays have dared to attempt one of the bravest and horniest activities known to humankind. Psychologists …
Girl With December Birthday Feels a Little Upstaged by Jesus
BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley sophomore Alice Cunningham was disappointed to learn that Christmas was within three days of her upcoming birthday. “Sometimes, I really …
Dog on Glade Unaware He’s Only Source of Meaning in My Life
BERKELEY, Calif. — Amid finals, local terrier Toaster Sanchez has become the only source of meaning in life for many students. “I hate my major, …