BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …
Stanford Version of CALPIRG Raises $10K to “Kill All Them Turtles”
STANFORD, Calif. — After a recent fundraising event, Stanford University’s environmental activist group STANSHART found they had raised over ten thousand dollars to “kill all …
In Right-Wing Tirade, Oski Defends Right to Bear Arms
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a Turning Point USA-sponsored rant on Sproul Plaza, Berkeley mascot Oski condemned the left’s disdain for the second amendment, citing his …
Student Who Drinks Whole Milk Needs to Lower His Tone
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal sophomore Sigmund Lloyd was a bit too vocal in his PoliSci discussion this week, spouting dubious economic values while seemingly forgetting …
Supply Chain in Crisis After My Friend’s Fake Got Folded
BERKELEY, Calif.–In an unprecedented shock to the undergrad economy, the goody-two-shoes bouncer at Cornerstone folded my friend’s fake. “The ramifications for the free trade of …
Hypocrite Complaining About Air Quality Continues to Breathe
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a flagrant act of self-contradiction, local hypocrite Cassandra Liu continued to inhale oxygen through her nose while making a complaint about …
Study Finds Saying “Road Work Ahead? I Sure Hope It Does!” Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Violent Death
BERKELEY, Calif. – A study from the Berkeley Institute of Traffic-Related Deaths has found a significant correlation between uttering the phrase “Road work ahead? I …
Berkeley to Have Small College Feel After Court Caps Enrollment at 42,347 People
BERKELEY, Calif. — After a recent court ruling capped UC Berkeley enrollment to 42,347 students, some Cal students are rejoicing that the university will finally …
New Plan To Expand Student Housing Involves Invading Ukraine
BERKELEY, Calif. – The University of California recently announced its opposition to a Russian invasion of Ukraine, citing its own plans to invade Ukraine for …
Evans Demolished to Make Way for Mega Yali’s
BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, …