BERKELEY, Calif. – After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super-senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor proclaimed that they were not actually disabled.

“It was an act of God,” said classmate Gina Aguilar. “As soon as those words fell from Professor Singer’s mouth, Ash started glowing like the sun. When it was over, Ash looked exactly the same, but their chronic pain was suddenly gone! They must be really thankful to Singer for showing them the truth about their illness.”

In his modesty, Professor Singer claimed he didn’t even do anything.

“I mean, like I said, Jensen wasn’t even disabled in the first place,” Singer conceded. “He [sic] doesn’t use a wheelchair or a cane or anything, but he [sic] still has one of the best grades in the class without any of those freebie accommodations. I can tell from personal experience when someone’s disabled — I have a friend whose brother’s wife’s cousin broke his leg and needed to use a wheelchair once. Disabilities that other people can’t see are all just from a negative mindset, and I just forced Jensen to face the facts.”

Jensen, on the other hand, was not appreciative of this turn of events.

“First of all, why did it take you so long to interview me, the person that this actually happened to?” they groused. “Second, why does everyone think I want to be cured? Yeah, it was nice at first to not have to deal with the pain, fatigue, and hordes of people giving me advice on how to improve my health, but I feel like I’ve lost part of my identity — what if I was ‘cured’ of being genderfluid? God, I can’t believe people are celebrating this!”

A few minutes later, Jensen, too, was seen celebrating their new ability to jump onstage and slap Professor Singer when he cracked an ableist joke.

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