The first wave of UC Berkeley’s class of 2023 has arrived! Apparently, these are some of the best applicants ever. We at The Free Peach did a little bit of investigating to figure out who exactly these new students are. What we found is astonishing! Here are four of the recently accepted students:

4.) Blake Harrison:

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This newly accepted Golden Bear will blow your socks off, but don’t trust him to put them back on for you! Blake is a highly intelligent six-year-old who blew through Charlotte’s Web just as quick as he will read the entire Communist Manifesto next year! He can count to ten using all of his fingers, knows how to use the toilet, and may or may not have a problem with biting. When you see Blake on Sproul, make sure to say hi! His mom will pinch his ear if he doesn’t wave back. He plans on rushing DKE because he feels like they collectively have a similar mentality to that of a child constantly throwing a temper tantrum.

3.) Jessica James:

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Jessica is a whopping five years old, but that won’t stop guys from saying that she is “physically” eighteen! Having recently learned the alphabet, Jessica is an avid singer. Her favorite songs are “Row Row Row Your Boat” and “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” She plans on joining the UC Berkeley songwriting club, where she will learn how to mispronounce common words in order to sound indie! She also hopes to start a DeCal on how to tie your shoes, a skill she has endeavored to practice ever since she turned three.

2.) Shawn Gupta:

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Shawn is a five-year-old newly accepted Chemical Engineering Major. Shawn actually did not begin to speak until this year. His first words to his mother were, “Gina, god damn it! I hate applesauce as much as you hate your husband! Karl isn’t even my fucking Dad, if he kisses me goodnight one more time I swear I’ll pop a cap in his ass.” UC Berkeley took quick notice of this young prodigy and extended him a Regents Scholarship and a place among the esteemed Class of 2023. He hopes his fiery attitude and acumen will get him into Haas.

1.) Raccoon:

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Raccoon is a part of UC Berkeley’s initiative to accept more non-human applicants from its pool. He’s been hard to reach, but we are pretty sure that he is living in a dumpster somewhere around ATO instead of Clark Kerr. He listed “having rabies” as a real struggle he’s had to grow up with on his application, so watch your step around this guy! He also plans to run for Senate! A ~real~ furry boy.

There’s still so many more to come… Class of 2023, UC Berkeley is ready for you! Were you guys born before 2000? We’re like, so old now, wow.

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