Last week, UC Berkeley was yet again thrown into the national headlines as the hyper-conservative organization Turning Point USA suddenly appeared on Sproul — rather like a mole that you should probably have looked at. One of the conservative “activists” was thoroughly yeeted in the face, and Turning Point USA is upset. While we here at the at The Free Peach do not condone violence, we honestly don’t really know or care about what happened because this school is already so goddamn tiring. The only thing we do know is that Turning Point USA is back, putting UCPD on high alert.

In response to yet another potential threat on Sproul, UCPD has released the following statement: “Do… do y’all even go here?” In turn, the representatives from Turning Point USA, who are just as white as you think they are, responded with “nah.”

Armed with his information, UCPD got to work to ensure the situation remained under control. Thankfully, UCPD and the UC Office of Admissions have partnered for a creative solution.

“We want to ensure that those contributing to Berkeley’s dialogue have the credentials to do so. Thus, we’re making sure that those wielding macro-aggressive, politicized rhetoric on our campus actually have the ACT scores to get into Berkeley,” stated UCPD police chief. “While we know the concept of standardized testing is inherently flawed and often classist, we figure, fuck it. If you’re going to buy into an arbitrary system that disproportionately favors well-off white kids, you should at least be able to play within your system.”

However, they weren’t able to play. Not one member of Turning Point USA met UC Berkeley’s admissions standards, even factoring in the lacrosse scholarship that most of them would get. Although this did not come as a surprise to anyone who was not a part of the bigot-squad, Turning Point was shocked.

Mind you, this is an organization that once protested safe spaces by wearing adult diapers  even though the founder of the organization Charlie Kirk’s book Campus Battlefield calls for “safe places for the teaching and expression of all ideas” which literally is the concept of a safe space. But, based on how poorly constructed the book is, we here at the Free Peach aren’t sure he understands the concept. Also, Charlie Kirk’s face is too small for his head, but we’re not going to get into that here. Google it.

So, in compliance with UC Berkeley’s new policy, Turning Point USA has been promptly booted from campus.* Unfortunately, they have sworn they will return, and they have started looking into SAT prep classes. However, to cover their bases, they should probably learn how to read first.

*Note: We wish it were this easy.

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