Okay look, it’s not that I don’t care about my mom, I just think she lacks basic taste and sophistication. It’s like, being from Orange County, there’s a certain standard that we all need to adhere to. I’m embarrassed; I’ll say it. I just don’t understand why she thinks she can tarnish our family name simply because she’s “being an individual”????? Well, you’re not an individual, Mom; you’re a disappointment.

Honestly, the worst part is seeing that green bubble when I send her a message. It’s almost like she doesn’t even want me to text her. It literally gives me a migraine. No matter how much Vicodin I force down my throat every day, the pain never goes away. I’ve even considered trying heroin, but that’s only because Timothee Chalamet looked so cool when he did it in that one movie. I’m going to get addicted to drugs and it’s all going to be my mom’s fault. Maybe I should just admit myself into a rehab center now. Fucking thanks a lot, Mom.

Anyway, it’s not that I don’t like my mom, I just know I could never love someone who uses such garbage technology. This is the 21st century!!! If Elon Musk can build a holographic rocketship or whatever he did, fucking Karen should be able to work an iPhone 6S. It’s not even like I’m asking for that much!! Using a 6s is barely considered having an iPhone by today’s standards. I just don’t want her to suffer from a lower-class society when she doesn’t need to be. And honestly Mom, you’re really making the rest of the family look bad. You’re an embarrassment.

When my mom finally learns how to participate in a progressive, technologically-advanced society and buys an iPhone, then maybe she will deserve my love and respect.

But for now…I just can’t. Sorry mom, but get an iPhone, or get the fuck out of my life.

(P.S. Mom, Venmo me, please. I need to go get Acai Bowls with the girls!!)

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