Forget the Seals: Stepping on UC Berkeley Campus Guarantees No Bitches

BERKELEY, Calif. – Students at UC Berkeley may have heard of the long standing superstitions about stepping on campus seals, but a recent groundbreaking study has uncovered the unfortunate effects of stepping on campus in general. 

Head researcher, Lenny Munch, relays his team’s findings stating, “At first, we thought it was an unfortunate coincidence. There was nothing to suggest an underlying cause for Berkeley students to be, erm, unsuccessful in their romantic pursuits (besides the usual factors of bad hygiene, commitment issues, superiority complexes, crippling low self esteem — all things very natural and common for these students) but my! A little bit of creative investigation and wow, you really get a sense of what’s going on here, which is that absolutely nobody has got it going on. Put pejoratively, what a school of lonely bastards! What we uncovered is a strong, positive correlation definitively proving that being on this campus greatly depletes your ability to engage in non reproductive copulation, or any sort of copulation! And the most pressing discovery is that it’s unavoidable, even simply getting on campus means not getting off! 

Dethroned?! Lexapro and Lactaid Beat Weed for Most Used Drug at Cal, New Survey Reports

“The chugging was insane!” exclaimed Ri, white froth still clinging to her upper lip. “This was the exact release we all needed. After the excruciating Fall semester I had, I doubled my milligrams of Lexapro. Between you and me, I sneak an extra 10 millies in every night as well. All my fears and assignments just melt away, and I don’t even need my bong anymore!” 

Lost Your Clipper Card? Here’s  4 Phone Numbers We Called That Told Us To Fuck Ourselves

2. The Student Transportation Office: (510) 643-7701
Don’t be fooled by the name– like Voltaire said, “This office is neither for students, nor transportation, nor an office.” There is no telling what response you’ll get – they might replace your lost card, but not without a $25 fee that completely negates the notion of a free bus pass. And if you complain? There’s a tried and true response that they’re not afraid to roll out: “go fuck yourself.”

Upcoming Panda Express on Bancroft Offers Relief from Relentless Stream of High-Quality, Authentic, Family-Owned Local Restaurants

“Oh man, it’s been way too long since I’ve had severe, rectal-prolapse-inducing constipation,” said senior Drum major Hunter Perry, who up until this point had been satisfying his late night cravings for indigestion with frequent trips to I.B.’s, Chipotle, and the Taco Bell Cantina. “When I’m feeling especially masochistic, a slice from Blondie’s will suffice, but the fact of the matter is that most of the food here is simply too rich in fiber to utterly destroy my digestive system. I’m so excited for the bone-dry fried rice from Panda Express to condense into an obelisk in my gut and carve the Grand Canyon out of my asshole. I swear to God, if that shit doesn’t tap my G-spot on the way out, I’m asking for a full refund.”