“It’s just so horrible what women have to go through in their day-to-day lives,” mused Lencer, cutting off the female classmate we were trying to interview. “As a man who values women for more than their bodies, I took it upon myself to share all the struggles women go through. Many of them seemed hesitant to share, holding up their hand and waiting for the professor to call on them, but I did not let this stop me from shouting out and sharing lived experiences for them. But don’t worry, I have a friend who’s a woman, so I get it.”
Shocker: This Nobel Prize Laureate Is Pretty Shit at Teaching
“Teaching students is my part-time job – I’d rather work with my GSIs on groundbreaking research than explain basic supply and demand over and over again to these 19-year-old imbeciles,” asserted McCarthy. “Education, especially in economics, should be gatekept from those who don’t have the capacity to understand everything on the first try. Call that perfect competition.”
GBC Now Offering Marc Fisher’s Hard Lemonade
Traveling the slopes of Grizzly Peak and the rugged valleys of Strawberry Canyon, Marc Fisher has been searching for the most delectable lemons to create premium, top-shelf hard lemonade.
False Advertising: Wurster Hall Has Disappointingly Few German Sausages
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recent discovery that has shocked the campus community to their meat-stuffed innards, Wurster Hall is reported to be seriously lacking …
Forget the Seals: Stepping on UC Berkeley Campus Guarantees No Bitches
BERKELEY, Calif. – Students at UC Berkeley may have heard of the long standing superstitions about stepping on campus seals, but a recent groundbreaking study has uncovered the unfortunate effects of stepping on campus in general.
Head researcher, Lenny Munch, relays his team’s findings stating, “At first, we thought it was an unfortunate coincidence. There was nothing to suggest an underlying cause for Berkeley students to be, erm, unsuccessful in their romantic pursuits (besides the usual factors of bad hygiene, commitment issues, superiority complexes, crippling low self esteem — all things very natural and common for these students) but my! A little bit of creative investigation and wow, you really get a sense of what’s going on here, which is that absolutely nobody has got it going on. Put pejoratively, what a school of lonely bastards! What we uncovered is a strong, positive correlation definitively proving that being on this campus greatly depletes your ability to engage in non reproductive copulation, or any sort of copulation! And the most pressing discovery is that it’s unavoidable, even simply getting on campus means not getting off!
Danger Alert: This DKE Member Just Called You ‘The GOAT’
It’s a Saturday afternoon and you’re popping 3’s on the basketball court like a fucking demon when all of a sudden Bryce from DKE yells, “Jesus Christ, [insert your name here], you’re the fucking GOAT!”
Student Blown Away by Consulting Club Promo
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid the buzz and crowds of tabling at UC Berkeley, eyewitnesses on Tuesday reported Berkeley freshman Otis Jennings flying approximately ten feet …
Lawrence Lab Releases Statement Apologizing for Misuse of Weather Machine
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following an abnormal snowfall in Tilden Park early Friday morning, Lawrence National Lab has come forth in a statement to confess their involvement.
Dethroned?! Lexapro and Lactaid Beat Weed for Most Used Drug at Cal, New Survey Reports
“The chugging was insane!” exclaimed Ri, white froth still clinging to her upper lip. “This was the exact release we all needed. After the excruciating Fall semester I had, I doubled my milligrams of Lexapro. Between you and me, I sneak an extra 10 millies in every night as well. All my fears and assignments just melt away, and I don’t even need my bong anymore!”
Lost Your Clipper Card? Here’s 4 Phone Numbers We Called That Told Us To Fuck Ourselves
2. The Student Transportation Office: (510) 643-7701
Don’t be fooled by the name– like Voltaire said, “This office is neither for students, nor transportation, nor an office.” There is no telling what response you’ll get – they might replace your lost card, but not without a $25 fee that completely negates the notion of a free bus pass. And if you complain? There’s a tried and true response that they’re not afraid to roll out: “go fuck yourself.”