BERKELEY, Calif. – Late Sunday afternoon campus officials responded to reports that freshman Cindy Falseton had been inadvertently stuck to the basement floor of the …
ASUC Voters Pass Ballot Initiative to Resurrect Grinnell Using Blood of Mark Fisher
BERKELEY, Calif. – The ASUC Ballot initiative to resurrect Grinnell the Falcon, who died under mysterious circumstances several weeks ago, using the blood of campus …
Fowl Play? Grinnell’s “Accidental Death” Linked to the Clintons
BERKELEY, Calif.— “I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.” These are the last known words of Grinnell, the beloved …
Games of Berkeley Now Selling Russian Roulette
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to better market to UC Berkeley Students, Games of Berkeley has started selling Russian Roulette. “The board games aren’t …
UC Berkeley WarnMe: AVOID THE AREA OF Doe Library (I’m There and Look Really Good, so I Don’t Want You to Feel Bad)
Please note this message will definitely contain information that you will find upsetting. On 04-04-2022 08:30:00, I looked hot outside Doe Library. At approximately 09:25:00, …
Daily Campanile Concerts Renamed “Clock and Bell Torture”
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley will rebrand its daily carillon performances to attract a younger, edgier audience, according to an official statement made by the …
Student Miraculously Cured After Professor Deems Them “Not Really Disabled”
BERKELEY, Calif. – After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super-senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor …
Putin and Carol Christ Share Enthused Fist Bump Over Displacement of Innocent People
BERKELEY, Calif. — During a surprise visit to the Bay Area, Russian President Vladimir Putin and UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ met to discuss the …
End of an Era: Carol Christ’s Voice Actor Has Been Fired
BERKELEY, Calif.—Shock and heartbreak swept through the City of Berkeley as UC Regents announced that Carol Christ’s longstanding voice actor, Eden Zalahmi, will not be …
Study Finds the Caffe Strada Barista Hates You Specifically
BERKELEY, Calif. — Upon collecting data from multiple Strada Baristas, scientist Riya Chatterjee has confirmed that the Caffe Strada Baristas hate you specifically. “No, the …