BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …
Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …
Freshman Found Adhered to Floor of Frat House Just Wants to Go Home
BERKELEY, Calif. – Late Sunday afternoon campus officials responded to reports that freshman Cindy Falseton had been inadvertently stuck to the basement floor of the …
ASUC Voters Pass Ballot Initiative to Resurrect Grinnell Using Blood of Mark Fisher
BERKELEY, Calif. – The ASUC Ballot initiative to resurrect Grinnell the Falcon, who died under mysterious circumstances several weeks ago, using the blood of campus …
Fowl Play? Grinnell’s “Accidental Death” Linked to the Clintons
BERKELEY, Calif.— “I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.” These are the last known words of Grinnell, the beloved …
Games of Berkeley Now Selling Russian Roulette
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to better market to UC Berkeley Students, Games of Berkeley has started selling Russian Roulette. “The board games aren’t …
UC Berkeley WarnMe: AVOID THE AREA OF Doe Library (I’m There and Look Really Good, so I Don’t Want You to Feel Bad)
Please note this message will definitely contain information that you will find upsetting. On 04-04-2022 08:30:00, I looked hot outside Doe Library. At approximately 09:25:00, …
Daily Campanile Concerts Renamed “Clock and Bell Torture”
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley will rebrand its daily carillon performances to attract a younger, edgier audience, according to an official statement made by the …
Student Miraculously Cured After Professor Deems Them “Not Really Disabled”
BERKELEY, Calif. – After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super-senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor …