“Oh man, it’s been way too long since I’ve had severe, rectal-prolapse-inducing constipation,” said senior Drum major Hunter Perry, who up until this point had been satisfying his late night cravings for indigestion with frequent trips to I.B.’s, Chipotle, and the Taco Bell Cantina. “When I’m feeling especially masochistic, a slice from Blondie’s will suffice, but the fact of the matter is that most of the food here is simply too rich in fiber to utterly destroy my digestive system. I’m so excited for the bone-dry fried rice from Panda Express to condense into an obelisk in my gut and carve the Grand Canyon out of my asshole. I swear to God, if that shit doesn’t tap my G-spot on the way out, I’m asking for a full refund.”
Feminist Flyered on Sproul by Sorority Secretly ‘a Little Bit Flattered’
BERKELEY, Calif. – As UC Berkeley enters a new semester, fraternities and sororities have been scanning Sproul Plaza for visually-promising spring recruits. Sophomore and feminist …
Haas Student Brags about Internship at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
“That’s right dude, the job is a complete lush – I’m working at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. They’re sending me an access badge too; my job title is ‘Junior Inator Inspector.’ How cool is that? Yeah the pay’s great, I think six figures? And three of them are before the decimal!”
Math 54 Tries Out Exciting New Instruction-Free Course Curriculum
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following the departure of instructors Kelli Talaska and Katrin Wehrheim from Math 54 (Linear Algebra & Differential Equations), the UC Berkeley math …
University Hopes to Make Building Names Less Controversial by Numbering Them on a Scale of Major Difficulty
BERKELEY, Calif. – As of 10:00 AM Thursday morning, Michael Josh’s stepbrother and UC President, Michael Drake, approved the unnaming of Moses Hall – citing …
Awkward: Robert Reich Just Revealed How Shitty Your Essay was to his One Million Twitter Followers
“In all my years of teaching, and being an advisor to President Obama, and being an advisor to President Clinton, and to Carter, Lincoln, Washington, one, two, skip a few, and finally Lucy the Ape, I have never seen a policy memo this insulting!” the esteemed Professor Reich wrote, “which makes sense, given that my GSIs are the ones who usually grade everything.”
BREAKING: Everyone in This Lecture Hall Saw You Trip When You Got Into Your Seat and We All Thought It Was Super Embarrassing and We Will All Remember It for the Rest of the Semester
“I had a huuuge crush on this person for the first week of class,” Sophomore Isaac Newton reports. “They were really hot, endlessly cool, and seemed like they could never make such a silly mistake as tripping on the backpack that the person next to them left in the middle of the fucking row, for some reason. But they did! And now I’m so glad that I will never approach them or compliment them or include them in the thousand-person group chat we have that shares all of the correct answers to every homework assignment.”
The Disgusting Truth: bCourses Confetti From Assignment Submission Not Compostable
In an age of increasing global climate catastrophe, environmental destruction, mass extinction, and degradation of human health, you’d think that the University of California, Berkeley …
Opinion: Where The Fuck is Barker?
The semester started like every other: I swear that I’ll go to lecture. I miss my bus that was seven minutes late. I curse fate for inhibiting learning that I truly value and show up for. I pull up CalCentral 10 minutes before class to make sure all my classes are in Dwinelle like usual. That is, until I see it: Rhetoric-103B, Barker 101.
Savant Junior Who ‘Has a Lot of AP Credits’ and Is Graduating Early Crowned ‘World’s Smartest Man’
While a well-deserved victory and recognition of Biggs’ gargantuan achievements, the title isn’t an effortless one to bear — without continually letting all of his peers know his unit count and test scores, Biggs might risk losing his award.