BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …
Campus Disavows Violence, Except for 1945 in Japan, 2001-Present in Guantanamo, 1966 in Indonesia, at Career Fairs, and in Memorial Stadium When It’s Profitable
BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California, Berkeley officially denounced all violence, save for several cherry-picked exceptions, in a recent public statement. “The University of …
Supply Chain in Crisis After My Friend’s Fake Got Folded
BERKELEY, Calif.–In an unprecedented shock to the undergrad economy, the goody-two-shoes bouncer at Cornerstone folded my friend’s fake. “The ramifications for the free trade of …
Study Finds Saying “Road Work Ahead? I Sure Hope It Does!” Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Violent Death
BERKELEY, Calif. – A study from the Berkeley Institute of Traffic-Related Deaths has found a significant correlation between uttering the phrase “Road work ahead? I …
New Plan To Expand Student Housing Involves Invading Ukraine
BERKELEY, Calif. – The University of California recently announced its opposition to a Russian invasion of Ukraine, citing its own plans to invade Ukraine for …
Berkeley Mask Mandate Reinstated After Seeing Your Face
BERKELEY, Calif. — After extensive pushback from the local community relating to concerns of corneal damage after seeing your face, the UC Berkeley administration has …
Evans Demolished to Make Way for Mega Yali’s
BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, …
Local Indophile Excited to Finally Have 100% Authentic Indian Roommate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic …
Astrology Added to Side of VLSB
BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California has decided that, alongside chemistry, biology, and, unsurprisingly, biochemistry, the Valley Life Sciences Building (VLSB) should have a …
Michael Drake Blames Traffic for Taking 2 Years to Arrive at UCAFT Negotiating Table
BERKELEY, Calif. – Massive strikes were averted Wednesday morning when the University of California finally agreed to a fairer labor contract with UCAFT lecturers. The …