Posted on by: bennettfees

Do They Love You Or Did They Just Respond To Your Discussion Post?

BERKELEY, Calif— In a discussion assignment for her Political Science class last Thursday, second-year Sarah Candle responded to fellow classmate Ryan Bower’s discussion post in what absolutely must have been a romantic gesture.

Explaining his totally logical and not insane jump towards being in love with her, Ryan reports: “What else could this mean? I mean, what type of sane person would respond to, let alone acknowledge my political takes unless they were in love with me? Does defending corporate buybacks make me a bootlicker since they come at the direct expense of any productive investment that might actually benefit me? No. It makes me a patriot. Finally, someone recognizes me for the genius I am.”

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Posted on by: Valmic Mukund

REPORT: You Just Had To Be There

BERKELEY, Calif. — According to recent reports regarding the incident that happened last Friday on Sproul Plaza, you really just had to be there.

“Honestly, there’s no way written journalism can adequately capture what happened,” declared Valmic Mukund, the Free Peach journalist who was in charge of investigating the incident. “Like, I could try to talk about it, or maybe draw some pictures, but regardless, you would lose so much critical context that it wouldn’t be worth it. Anyway, don’t you have better things to do than read a shitty article about some event on campus? Go take a walk, hang out with a friend, call your mom, do your homework, or something. Hell, if you’re really interested in what’s happening on Sproul Plaza, you could always just go there.”

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