BERKELEY, Calif. — “It’s just amazing how cruel of a world we live in,” said Lavender Sunshinechild, a freshman living in the Grateful Dead theme housing in Unit 2. Moore’s roommate, Maryjane Strawberry-Fields, has recently been in the public eye after her RA did what many are calling “a straight up hate crime maaaan” and confiscated Strawberry-Fields’ emotional support bong. 

“I was just chillin, taking fat rips like I usually do, ya know, getting baked. And like, right when I was like so fucking couched one of the sheeple that think they have authority over me just completley raided the place and took my bong!” Blood tests taken when Strawberry-Fields filed the police report confirmed that she was, in fact, couched as her Blood Marijuana Content was 42.0%. In the police report, it is stated that the perpetrator was the Resident Advisor for the Grateful Dead theme housing, Richard Nixon III. Nixon, who has publicly declared a ‘war on Berkeley drugs’ has refused to return the bong to Strawberry-Fields. 

“Kids these days, they just don’t know how bad these chemicals can be for their brains. Studies show that not only does SCAREijuana turn good intentioned kids to liars, thieves, and CNR students, but it can also encourage premarital cohabitation with the opposite sex, no-pants dance parties and doing the hanky-panky.” In a private memo that the Free Peach gained insider access on, Nixon has been ordered by Chancellor Christ to “chill the fuck out”and “quit being such a fucking nerd”. 

Strawberry-Fields is no stranger to adversity and hardship- according to her, the white girl with dreads look has oppressed her for nearly her entire life, and she recently had a catastrophic loss in her life. “I just can’t let what happened to my last bong happen again”she states as she clutched a framed photo of a toddler hitting a silicone bong, “He was old and had bong diabetes, and after an episode of very high bong sugar he was taken by our lord and savior Jerry Garcia to heaven. I didn’t even get to say goodbye, because we were not in a domestic partnership in the eyes of the law so I couldn’t visit him in the hospital.” So a year ago, she went through the lengthy, expensive process of getting her bong legally classified as an emotional support bong. She said her parents, both of which are attorneys for oil giant Spills-R-Us, were incredibly supportive of Strawberry-Fields’ choice regarding her bong, and even gave the judge $2,000,000, two and a half blowjobs, and eventually a threat to expose him for watching “weird porn” if he didn’t grant emotional support status to the bong. 

But, even after jumping through all of these hoops, Strawberry-Fields and her bong still face intolerance. “Why can’t they just take good ‘ol medications like the rest of us functional people?” Nixon asked while scowling, “Marijuana is dangerous, and so when I was having pain issues with my mild headaches, my doctor was considerate enough to prescribe me the safe, lab-tested 80mg pills of Oxycontin. And when I told my doctor I was a little nervous for my upcoming midterm, he saw my struggle and graciously prescribed me the maximum dosage of Xanax. And tell me, whoever died from prescription pills? I’m convinced that pharmaceutical companies have the best interest of its customers in mind. In fact, these medications are so good for me that they’re all I can think of, and I’ve even started injecting them, just to make sure that I get the high, or uh, I mean, full effect.”

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