BERKELEY, Calif. – Sophomore Bridget Martin wanted to be a computer science major, but due to the high tuition costs for out-of-state students, she has …
Too Woke? This Poli Sci Class Is Making Me Wake Up at 8:00 AM
At 8:00 AM, I don’t even have the energy to rebut every single one of the Professor’s points or talk over all of my female classmates. How can I be an effective student of politics if I’m too sleep-deprived to explain why straight white men are the most oppressed group in America?
Recession Watch: We’re Down to 3 Yali’s Cafes on Campus
BERKELEY, Calif. – The chilling wind of economic crisis has swept upon Berkeley, and it seems that the University has left its thrifted, Shattuck-Crossroads windbreaker …
Clark Kerr Skeleton Evicted After Tuition Non-Payment
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a dormitory-wide email recently, UC Berkeley Housing notified some of the campus community that they had discovered “what is believed to …
Lonely UC Berkeley Seal Just Wants a Hug, or Any Touch Really
As the semester comes to a close, the official UC Berkeley seal outside Moffitt has sadly reported it received no physical contact this past year and that students were actively avoiding it. Though ideally seeking a hug, the seal has stated that even being stepped on by a fresh Reebok would be a pleasurable alternative.
Lucky! Philosophy Major’s Oversized Turtleneck Muffles the Annoying Ass Sound of His Voice
“Speaking here in corollary with the strict criteria theory at play rather than in juxtaposition to the dynamic existential argument, I consider your intrinsically hyperlexical perspective thought experiment to be nuanced, reflexive, and sound. In other words, based.”
Berkeley Student Unable to Enroll in Happiness Until Phase 2
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley senior Cameron Hall found himself in a predicament faced by many when he was unable to enroll in basic human happiness …
UC Regents Hire Michael Drake’s New Stepbrother, Michael Josh
SAN DIEGO – UC Regents assembled at UCSD on Monday, prepared to deliver paradigm-shattering news to current UC faculty. Without hesitation, Regent Chair Rich Leib …
‘Is This How Happy I Should Be?’ Asks Student After Three Weeks of Not Attending Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the University of California still denying the majority of graduate student employees basic rights and actively attempting to threaten or block …
Breaking: Student Delivering Condoms on Duffl Scooter Fails to Come Before I Do
“I came as fast as I could!” exclaimed Cooper distraughtly the next morning, normally an expert at coming quickly. “I am extremely passionate about Duffling, and I feel great defeat that I was beat in this challenging race. As it’s written in neon lights outside our homebase, ‘Duffl Fucks,’ but last night, I feel as if I got fucked, hard.”