In a stunning turn of events, the University of California, Berkeley, has made a groundbreaking error in its admissions process. The prestigious institution accidentally admitted you, a regular student, instead of the usual line-up of geniuses, valedictorians, taekwondo red belts, and future Nobel Prize winners.
Due to Extensive Budget Cuts, The University of California Will Now Be Shutting Down the Simulation
BERKELEY, Calif. — The pressing need to fund more administrative mansions and football coach salaries has forced the University of California to cut back on …
Leaked! White Lotus Season 3 Actually Just Found Footage of Kappa Girls in Cabo
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico — Writer and director of the hit show White Lotus, Mike White, revealed that Season 3 will not only take place …
Another Weirdo Peddling Their Agenda on Sproul: the Girl Scouts are Back!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Doomsday preachers, consulting-club donut-salesmen, and moralist demagogues all tremble upon the appearance of the ultimate uniformed, jack-booted thugs. Brace yourselves: the Girl Scouts are back.
Futuo! Students Forced to Build Rome in One Day for Ancient Architecture Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. — AGRS 139 students everywhere were seen scrambling this morning after receiving an email from Ancient Architecture Professor Marcus Cognomen detailing their midterm …
Academy Award for Best Actor Goes to Me, Pretending to Have Done the Reading for Today’s Section
“It is my sublime personal pleasure,” Yang articulated, “to present this award for Best Actor to the student who gave the most convincing performance in their role as, ‘Person Who Read the Assigned Pages for Class Today.’ The award goes to… Tohar Zamir!”
‘Now Let’s Take a Silly One!’ Says GSI Immediately Following Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. – Beleaguered students had their spirits lifted Friday as their CS 61b GSI, Gray D. Naughton, announced a make-up midterm opportunity immediately following …
Male Berkeley Student Expresses His Love for Women by Dominating His Class Feminism Discussion
“It’s just so horrible what women have to go through in their day-to-day lives,” mused Lencer, cutting off the female classmate we were trying to interview. “As a man who values women for more than their bodies, I took it upon myself to share all the struggles women go through. Many of them seemed hesitant to share, holding up their hand and waiting for the professor to call on them, but I did not let this stop me from shouting out and sharing lived experiences for them. But don’t worry, I have a friend who’s a woman, so I get it.”
Shocker: This Nobel Prize Laureate Is Pretty Shit at Teaching
“Teaching students is my part-time job – I’d rather work with my GSIs on groundbreaking research than explain basic supply and demand over and over again to these 19-year-old imbeciles,” asserted McCarthy. “Education, especially in economics, should be gatekept from those who don’t have the capacity to understand everything on the first try. Call that perfect competition.”
GBC Now Offering Marc Fisher’s Hard Lemonade
Traveling the slopes of Grizzly Peak and the rugged valleys of Strawberry Canyon, Marc Fisher has been searching for the most delectable lemons to create premium, top-shelf hard lemonade.