“It’s not you, it’s me,” stated the Doe lamp. “We just don’t fit together. I’m never going to change, even if it would make the lives of thousands of students much easier.”
‘Sit Closer, I Don’t Bite!’ Urges GSI Who Doesn’t Know That I Do
“We’re not starting class until everyone moves up to the front. Sit closer, I don’t bite!” I looked around at the five other students who still attend section, wondering if Ned really needed us to move closer. Was this another GSI power trip? I knew he wasn’t a biter, but he clearly underestimated the power of a now-annoyed undergraduate student who skipped breakfast this morning. Maybe I should teach him a lesson. My mouth began to water at the thought of sinking my canines into Ned’s freckled arm. The sound of his howl would truly be music to my ears as I’d leave him with a permanent tattoo of my chompers. Who is Ned to tell me what to do!?
Shame! Moffitt to No Longer Count Full Costco Rotisserie Chicken as Snack
“It’s discrimination and a miscarriage of justice through and through. It’s quite simple and plain in fact, unlike Costco’s delectable rotisserie chickens.”
4 Secret Spots on Campus Seniors Should Visit Before They Graduate!
▇▇ is one of my favorite study spots on campus. Ever since I found out about this place, I haven’t had to desperately circle around …
‘Never Become a Professor,’ Says Professor to GSI Doing His Entire Job
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal history Professor Orn Ery pulled his GSI aside during lecture this past Thursday with some unrequested advice regarding their professional future, …
New Jersey Exchange Student Really Needs to Brush Up on His English
BERKELEY, Calif. — According to reports from his professors, GSIs, and classmates, New Jersey exchange student Benny Shoobie has been having trouble adjusting to the English-language mode of instruction at UC Berkeley.
“I know it’s not [Shoobie’s] fault for growing up in another culture, but unfortunately the language barrier is becoming a real issue,” said English Professor Cristina Matthews, who has Shoobie in one of her afternoon classes. “For example, the other day, I had a staff meeting in the morning and had to skip breakfast. By the time I was delivering my lecture, my tummy started rumbling really loudly, and when it did, Benny yelled out, ‘Jeet yet?’. Now, I have no idea what ‘jeet’ is, so I said, ‘I don’t know’. Then he randomly blurted out, ‘Jet?’ and I said, ‘Where?’ and he said, ‘Fugghedaboutit’ and I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my life.”
Report: The Hardest Part of Writing a Thesis is Not Telling Everyone You’re Writing One
When challenged on the flaws in Fournier’s analysis, psychology professor Ivor H. Tower, defended his student’s work with zeal.
“Ms. Turner’s own behavior demonstrates that the urge to share the details of one’s academic work, even in a negative light, is a universal human experience,” Tower retorted. “As someone with extensive experience in academia, I can confidently say that Fournier’s study is both insightful and valid. Why the skepticism? Academic research is fascinating and everyone knows it! The undergrads in my classes hang on to every word when I go on tangents about my doctoral work on the psychology of self-absorption.”
Middle School Visiting Berkeley on April 20th Finds Students Surprisingly Happy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley Middle students and faculty were pleasantly surprised when they toured UC Berkeley this Thursday and found the student body especially friendly, …
Architect of Doe Library on Creating a Reverberant Echo Chamber to be Used as a Silent Study Space
In a recent interview, John Galen Howard, architect extraordinaire and builder of Doe Memorial Library, delved into his neoclassical design and his choice in creating a library with acoustics befitting an orchestra concert hall.
Crime Does Not Pay; I Only Make 100k a Year as a UCPD Officer
Take it from me kids, crime does not pay. No matter how many cars I ticket or unhoused people I harass, I’m stuck in this …