BERKELEY, Calif. – In a recent interview, John Galen Howard, architect extraordinaire and builder of Doe Memorial Library, delved into his neoclassical design and his choice in creating a library with acoustics befitting an orchestra concert hall.

“It was my intention to capture students’ every sneeze, fart, and moan in a reverberating echo,” Howard claimed. “Contrary to any common sense, I wanted a library meant for silent study to have beautiful, high-rise ceilings that allowed for even the smallest squeak of a chair to turn heads”

One event certainly did turn heads last week, when an unnamed student accidentally dropped their 64 oz HydroFlask in Doe, resulting in an ear-splitting clang that reportedly left many present with extreme hearing impairment.

Freshman student Rick Fiege was working on a project for his CS61A class at the library when he suddenly heard the world around him go silent. 

“What are you asking me? I literally cannot hear a single thing you are trying to say,” stated Fiege when reporters followed up with him after the incident. 

However, Fiege’s roommate, Laura Davis, claims that this accident has had little impact on their apartment dynamic. 

“Every week, I tell Rick to do some work around the house, like washing his personal dishes instead of piling them up in a disgusting mountain of filth in our sink. He always had trouble listening to women as a Computer Science major, but at least now I know it’s because he is physically incapable of hearing.”

Howard denied any blame surrounding last week’s HydroFlask incident, claiming that, “People just can’t appreciate my vision, it’s idiotic brilliance.”

The University Health Service Tang Center is also dodging condemnation by refusing insurance coverage to any individuals afflicted as a result of the accident. In a campus-wide email, eTang simply told students: “Get over it.”

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