Carol Christ went full glam at last weekend’s home game, proving she’s not only capable of stealing land, but also the spotlight. “Oh this little …
Regular Friends Living in Regular House Need a Reality Show
BERKELEY, Calif — A local house of college students has declared their desire for a reality focusing solely on them, according to recently-screenshotted groupchat data.
“No, we need a reality show,” senior Honah Jill stated Thursday in a conversation regarding the uniqueness of his college group housing situation. “We live just like real people, but, like, funnier and more random. Remember last Tuesday when I instigated that text fight about the dishes, but I had forgotten that it was me who left them in the sink? Imagine the confessional for that. People would eat that up.”
Cal Announces New Course Enrollment Process
“I can’t share all of the details, but our new plan fundamentally makes class enrollment fairer,” Vice Chancellor of Enrollment Todd Bondy announced in a press release. “We just want to test the true will and desire of students to be enrolled in the classes they want.”
Not Sure How to Network? You’re Not Alone, Assures Campus Wifi
“I just really don’t know what I’m doing and I’m tired of pretending I do,” announced Eduroam in a campus-wide notification, its router light blinking nervously. “Like, there’s all these new people on campus and I only can take so much. Who should I connect with? Who shouldn’t I?”
A Retrospective: Carol Christ Ponders, “Did We Steal Enough Indigenous Land?”
“Yet we have to consider, did we steal enough land?” Christ wrote. “We’ve got students to house, and, like, I mean, listen: a $4.1 billion endowment doesn’t exactly make us rich you know? What, you expect us to just buy a building to develop over when there’s some perfectly good public space right there for the taking?”
Following Parents’ Weekend, Students Count Down Days Until Next Seeing Jake’s Mom
BERKELEY, Calif. – The Berkeley student body quickly fell into a deep depression after realizing that it would be another year before their next encounter with Jake’s mom. Her presence this year had caused quite the disruption at many of the planned Homecoming events.
“At the Parents’ Weekend Sportaganza on Memorial Field, all eyes were on her,” Tom Marsh of Rally Committee said. “Nobody even paid any attention to the main event: a fight to the death between Oski and forty-three allied freshmen. The audience was too transfixed by her presence: mature, yet seductive. Heck, a buddy of mine on the ASUC financial committee says that every restaurant she visited experienced a 112% surge in popularity!”
Big Student Athlete Loves His Little Scooter
BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.
“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”
Heartbreaking: That YoPo Flavor Is Sugar-Free
BERKELEY, Calif. – Yogurt Park patrons breathed a collective deep sigh on Tuesday upon realizing the best flavor was, in fact, sugar-free. “This happens basically …
Rejoice! College of Engineering to Give Out Deodorant Instead of T-Shirts Next Fall
We tried interviewing an engineering student about this topic, but unfortunately our reporter collapsed from the smell after approaching one. Fortunately, after regaining consciousness, they were able to interview an EECS student over zoom.
After COVID Vaccine, Cal Wide Receiver Can’t Catch Anything
After Cal’s devastating loss to the Nevada Wolf Pack, it has become apparent that the COVID-19 vaccine has prevented wide receiver Wayne Johnson from catching anything.
“I knew that getting vaccinated would prevent me from catching COVID, but I didn’t know the effects of the vaccine would be so weird,” reported Wayne as he dropped a frisbee. “After I got vaccinated my work schedule started having back to back shifts. I can’t catch a break. I’ve also been blanking on what people say after ‘Go’ at Berkeley. I think it starts with a B but my catchphrase knowledge is out the window.”