BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano …
Entirety of US Surveillance State Gears Up for Upcoming CS 70 Final
BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure …
Frat Brother Wants to Show You Flask of Amontillado
BERKELEY, Calif. – Junior Brock Tresor had borne the thousand injuries of the Sigma Chi dating scene as best he could, but when it at …
BCR President Eagerly Files Lawsuit After Eric Trump Prohibited to Speak at Campus
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley College Republicans President Chase Thompson announced he is filing a lawsuit against UC Berkeley for preventing Eric Trump from speaking at …
Carol Christ Restricts Commencement Availability to Her OnlyFans
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid the ongoing pandemic, universities across the country are changing their graduation plans. “UC Berkeley’s commencement ceremony is no light fare,” said …
Late Night Texts from UCBWarnMe Making it Hard for Quarantined Cal Student to Get Over Not Being with Campus Anymore
Like many of the other quarantined Cal students, Christine Waters had spent many nights missing campus. She was handling the break-up pretty well for a …
Admissions Board Releases the Kraken from the Waitlist
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a huge move for campus diversity, the UC Berkeley Admissions Board has opted to admit its first Pacific Oceaner student. “Down, …
Oh Yeah, Totally: UC Berkeley Students Lose Competitive Edge Because Classes Are P/NP
In an unthinkable turn of events, the university’s recent move to default classes as “Pass/No Pass” has wreaked havoc far and wide on the one …
In Lieu of Tuition Relief, Carol Christ Offers Each Student an Otter Pop
BERKELEY, Calif. – Recognizing the hefty price tag of an inadequate education, UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ has announced an update to the university’s …
Amid Shortages, Kink Club Switches from Latex Gloves to Leather
BERKELEY, Calif. – Kink Club President Philip Cox laid out sweeping changes for members of Berkeley’s sauciest social club at their latest meeting. “The COVID …