BERKELEY, Calif. – Recognizing the hefty price tag of an inadequate education, UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ has announced an update to the university’s relief system for affected students.
“As we approach the end of the spring semester, I would like to take a moment to address the economic impact of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic,” the Chancellor began her address to students. “Businesses, including those supporting our university, are hurting. Times are tough and we know that these changes disproportionately affect students from underprivileged backgrounds. Many students who work to support themselves can no longer do so. With this in mind, the UC Regents have decided to relieve our students of financial burden by offering every undergraduate one (1) Otter Pop® in a flavor of their choice.”
On Tuesday, students queued up in six-foot intervals starting at Doe Library and extending about halfway down the Bay Bridge; meanwhile, the Chancellor and her Vice Chancellors set up tables on Memorial Glade to distribute the saccharine stimulus packages.
“We’re just out here doing the Lord’s work,” said Vice Chancellor of Administration Marc Fisher. “I kept getting emails asking ‘How can I pay tuition if I lost my campus job?’ and ‘Did you actually stick your hands in the beans at GBC?’ so I knew we had to make a change for the better. Working with the College of Chemistry, we ceased all non-popsicle-related research and devoted our facilities to producing the delicious Otter Pops we’re handing out today.”
At first, everything went smoothly, with students begrudgingly accepting their ottery recompense. Once the administrators ran out of pink Otter Pops, however, all hell broke loose.
“I’ve been here for four years, but I’d never seen this side of my classmates,” reported senior Frank Epperson. “They stormed the Glade. I don’t think there’s ever been that much blood on the grass before. Yeah, the Milo protests were bad, but have you ever tried to give an NCAA rower a purple Otter Pop? At that point you’re just asking for a punch in the face.”
As of press time, the administration is trying to avoid reliving this violence at the Class of 2020 Graduation Pizza Party.