LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Last year Lori Loughlin was accused of paying $500,000 to get her two daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Rose, into USC on a crew scholarship. She has pled not guilty to fraud, bribery, and money laundering conspiracy charges. Up until now, her defense strategy wasn’t going too well. 

Ever since the FBI found out I paid, — sorry, let me restart. Ever since the FBI accused me of paying half a million dollars to get my two daughters into USC, my life has been chaotic. Even though their claim is completely true, I always thought as a rich famous beautiful white woman I was immune to crime. Initially, I assumed the judge was somehow unaware of my celebrity status. Even after informing him that I used to star in Full House, he refused to let me off! The prick actually got angry with me and said that no one is above the law. I was then sure I got his hint, so I offered him $500,000 to skew the trial towards an innocent conviction, but that just made him even angrier! When did people become so hard to read?! 

I then realized I was targeting the wrong audience. I told the jurors that my daughters both got into USC and that I knew the ins and outs of the college admissions process. Even after offering to teach them a way to get their children into their dream schools, they still weren’t willing to ignore all the facts and find me innocent. All I want is for white wealthy suburban moms with no personality to see me as their role model again. Is that really too much to ask?”

Luckily for Lori, her daughter Olivia came up with a new angle for her defense.

“Ok before I talk about my mom I have to talk about myself because I am more important than anyone else and because I know everyone cares deeply about my life. You know what’s been bugging me? Unoriginal people. Last year I went home from USC after the college admission story broke. A year later everyone copies me and also heads home from college. Like c’mon people, what the hell! Be yourselves. I know I’m basically perfect, but you shouldn’t just copy everything I do. 

My mom has been under a lot of fire for getting me into USC on a crew scholarship even though I haven’t rowed once in my entire life. But let’s be real, in high school I trained just as hard as USC’s team is training right now. I would have been totally fine as a member of their crew team this spring. In fact, I should have been given more of a scholarship than the other athletes because even though I have never done a crew workout before, I have posed for pictures on an ERG machine. That is literally more intense training than what they are doing at the moment. I competed in high school just as much as their freshmen competed in college. Why should my mom be penalized for helping me get a scholarship I deserve?”

Lori is hopeful that this new strategy will help convince the jurors to acquit her. At press time she was complaining that is hard to discuss this new strategy when confined in her $28.7 million six-bedroom Bel-Air mansion.

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