BERKELEY, Calif. – Kink Club President Philip Cox laid out sweeping changes for members of Berkeley’s sauciest social club at their latest meeting.
“The COVID pandemic is hitting us a little harder than we anticipated,” Cox lamented to a classroom of eager students, “but safety remains our club’s number one priority. The board and I know that latex gloves are getting hard to come by these days. That being said, it would be irresponsible to send people out into the world without adequate hand protection, so we implore you to always have a leather pair at the ready.”
Despite the necessity of the change, some members are underwhelmed by their lack of sexual options during quarantine.
“Like, I understand the changes, but we all know leather and latex are like apples and oranges,” griped third-year pre-med student Sophie Bennet. “Sure, leather gloves are easy to get — I mean, who doesn’t have a box of them lying around? — but their look is all wrong. Honestly, nothing does it for me like latex does. Just because I like being told what to do doesn’t mean I like being told how to live my life.”
The news comes after long deliberations with Kink Club’s leadership board and their faculty sponsor, Public Health Professor Joseph Cerny.
“Kink club stands as an educational and protective institution first, and as a social group second. It’s essential for these kids to develop safe habits early. If anybody has access to more latex gloves, please consider donating them to our organization; we’re only trying to make the world safer for everybody else,” Cerny pleaded.
As of press time, Cox and his leadership board were sneaking off to a broom closet to discuss how the club would further protect themselves in times of social distancing.