Listen, we know it’s been hard. Quarantine is rough, especially when you’re sitting on a 5-acre lot in Manhattan Beach or Palos Verdes or wherever the fuck, a 73 degree day and perfectly sugared coffee awaiting you on your patio-balcony-pool. Staying home can be flat out miserable. Due to popular demand, we’ve decided to put together a little guide of rules and activities to make your quarantine experience as turbulence-free as possible. 

  1. Each day, set your heated Northern Red Oak floors to exactly 67.8 degrees at 10 a.m., then decrease to 65.3 degrees at 1 p.m., and then back to 67.8 degrees at 6 p.m. to ensure the perfect floor-temperature sanctity. Do not dip below or above this range, because we all know that improperly-heated floors can cause a lot of tension in your family. Thusly: warm feet, healthy mind, happy day. 
  2. Start your mornings with a healthy kick! Grab your Cuisinart X5000 Blender from the kitchenware room, throw some boysenberries, himalayan protein salts, mangos from your mango garden and some oat milk in there for a rejuvenating, calming, cosmos-sanctioned morning blend. 
  3. Make sure your live-in housekeeper is properly fed. (Leave food by her door in the basement.) It can be easy to forget to feed her when the pressures of the world and quarantine are constantly knocking at your door. But, she needs food so that she can do your laundry and clean your bathroom! 
  4. Take 90-100 selfies on your balcony that overlooks the Pacific Ocean daily. Who needs Jeffersonian America reading homework when you have portrait mode and a brand new Fenty lip liner? 
  5. When your Whole Foods grocery delivery comes, DO NOT interact with or touch the delivery person because they are very dangerous; hide in bushes and watch to ensure they are gone. They may be essential workers, but that doesn’t mean YOU have to treat them like human beings!
  6. Flip through Instagram stories, and repost posts that expose unfortunate coronavirus by-products, like xenophobia and economic hardship, and give YOUR followers your two cents about it all! They need to hear what you’re thinking about all of it, and they definitely want to. 
  7. Reorganize your walk-in closet. It’s been needing a reboot, and now is the time. 
  8. Swim 100 laps in the infinity pool OR run a couple treadmill miles in the basement gym. 
  9. Be on time for your video-session with your therapist, and don’t forget to mention that stuff about how your deranged mother keeps bugging you about cleaning your room and it’s really getting on your nerves lately. 
  10. Go for a stroll around the neighborhood. Don’t forget to wear your new Louis Vitton N-95 respirator mask and avoid eye contact with every single human being you see outside. 
  11. Water your succulent garden. The gardener usually does this but he’s sick… succulents need water, right? 
  12. Watch an average of 3 hours of Netflix in your home-movie theater per week to keep up with the news; the worst thing you could do during quarantine is fall behind on trendy shows – seriously, get watching Tiger Kings NOW. 
  13. Check the security camera footage twice daily rather than once like before – quarantine brings new dangers to your gated community, and you need to be ready.
  14. Remember to breathe. 
  15. Follow along with Alexis Ren’s daily yoga tutorial in the yoga room. 
  16. Do mindfulness minutes in the quiet loneliness of your sauna. 
  17. Bake something really, really obscure from your new cookbook that requires an inordinate amount of rare ingredients that you order to be delivered; post this on your instagram claiming to have thrown it together from the back of your pantry. #surviving
  18. Things are really hard for you, so remember to give yourself a break. 
  19. Regulate your news intake, as that will spike anxiety and cause you to use more than your fair share of the family’s customized CBD pills. Also, you don’t need to see the news – things are difficult enough on your floor of the house. 

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