BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid the ongoing pandemic, universities across the country are changing their graduation plans.

“UC Berkeley’s commencement ceremony is no light fare,” said Chancellor Carol Christ in her email to graduating seniors. “The fact that you’ve made it this far puts you in a special group, and you deserve a special event. Even if you can’t come in person, we want to make sure you’re with us digitally for this year’s graduation. As such, I will be hosting a graduation livestream on my exclusive OnlyFans page, so you can tune in with your families and see what I have waiting for you. XOXO Carol ;)” 

Many students, however, would rather wait for a real graduation at a future date. 

“Are you [expletive] serious?” wrote user DannyM1998 on the r/Berkeley subreddit. “We work for FOUR [expletive] YEARS and they put our graduation on ONLYFANS?? Just let us wait it out.. I’m not paying $7.99/month for some professor to pretend she knows me and treat me like I’m special.”

Other students, however, seem to welcome the change to an online commencement.

“I mean, I’ve been to graduations before,” claimed mechanical engineering senior Todd Anderson. “I’d rather just get the ceremony over with. They’re usually out in the sun, the speakers suck, and the ceremony lasts forever — so I’m pretty excited for this to move online. Plus, I am already subscribed to Carol’s page. If it’s anything like Carol’s other livestreams, I won’t last five minutes!”

As of press time, Chancellor Christ is attempting to get her stepbrother to be one of the ceremony’s keynote speakers.


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