BERKELEY, Calif. – In a huge move for campus diversity, the UC Berkeley Admissions Board has opted to admit its first Pacific Oceaner student.
“Down, down in the murky abyss of the horrible seas,” began Director of Admissions Femi Ogundele, “lives the great live squid, which, they say, few whale-ships ever beheld and returned to their ports to tell of it. The beast once lurked, waiting ever-patient for an opportunity to strike.” Mr. Ogundele paused for a moment and stared into the faceless sea of reporters before him. “Yet it waits no more. Aye, today we release the Kraken from its unbounded list and accept it as one of the damned at our institution.”
The choice faced some backlash, however, from student organizations that use the Berkeley Marina.
“It just sucks to fear the Berkeley waters,” complained Will Arnold of Cal’s Sailing Team. “Until his wretched release from the list, in ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep the Kraken sleepeth: faintest sunlights fled about his shadowy sides; above him swelled huge sponges of millennial growth and height. There hath he lain for ages, and would lie until the latter fire should heat the deep. Yet now he comes to raise hell around us,” so Mr. Arnold solemnly opined. “Gone is peace of mind in our marina.”
Despite the drama surrounding his admission, the Kraken himself is hoping for normal student life at Berkeley.
“I’m thrilled,” the Kraken told The Free Peach. “I originally committed to Georgia Tech, but getting off of the Cal waitlist is a dream come true. I figure, like, I’m paying out-of-state tuition either way, so might as well soak up the Cali sun! Plus, y’all have the number one civil engineering program in the country! I know the family business is in destroying buildings, but I figure maybe I can help to reverse that trend from here on out`.”
At press time, the Kraken is applying to live in a spacious Clark Kerr triple.