WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House issued a press release yesterday explaining how President Trump has resolved the COVID-19 pandemic by halting all testing, after Dr. Harold Bornstein, Trump’s personal physician, said Trump could be at high risk.


“I ensure the pandemic will be over once we end testing,” Trump declared, droplets of spit spewing from his mouth hole, “who needs all these fancy doctors when you have me?”


In the press release, Trump repeatedly stated the importance of staying home, barring utilizing essential services until testing is fully stopped and the Coronavirus completely disappears.


“Doctors needing masks and the Fake News Media saying I should have taken things more seriously, LIES!! I did it all! Everything,” tweeted President Trump while being driven to get his spray tan, which he personally deemed an essential service. 


Trump also pointed out how anyone could be affected, saying it is “our civic duty to look out for those who may be more susceptible.”


“This virus only hurts LOSERS!!” Trump said in last night’s White House news conference, while a CNN reporter was being discreetly ushered out.


Many Americans were wondering what prompted Trump to take such drastic, sudden action. Some people theorize that Trump finally realized what was at risk – his sex life.


When asked, Dr. Bornstein explained that “due to the multitude of women [Trump] has visited over the last month or so, I give it a 95% chance that he contracts Coronavirus, among other diseases.” 


In fact, following the press release yesterday, the number of confirmed coronavirus cases dropped to zero today after testing was permanently stopped. Last night, as crowds rejoiced, parades began to pop up across the country to celebrate Trump’s genius. Perplexingly, participants seemed to be going straight from the parades to the nearest ICU. Unfortunately, White House correspondents have reported Trump will be unable to attend the Washington D.C. parade planned for tomorrow, because he has an oddly severe cough.


Read Next: Woman Who Spent Night With Trump Now in ICU


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