BERKELEY, Calif. — Last Friday, you entered the lecture hall, dressed in that adorable coat! Up until this point, everyone in the CS61A lecture has been talking about how great your outfits are in the thousand-person groupchat we have without you (in this groupchat, we also share correct answers to the homework questions, plan fun study hangouts, and engage in witty yet respectful repartee about our professors and GSIs). Everyone — and I mean everyone — has been whispering behind your back about your entirely unique style and mysterious, enchanting demeanor. That is, until Friday morning, when you absolutely humiliated yourself in front of all thousand of us!

“I had a huuuge crush on this person for the first week of class,” Sophomore Isaac Newton reports. “They were really hot, endlessly cool, and seemed like they could never make such a silly mistake as tripping on the backpack that the person next to them left in the middle of the fucking row, for some reason. But they did! And now I’m so glad that I will never approach them or compliment them or include them in the thousand-person group chat we have that shares all of the correct answers to every homework assignment.”

Newton volunteered some other information about you, too: “There’s a small cohort of really cool and interesting people in this class that does more than just study. We party, too. We party really hard, and usually we go out on the weekends to fun yet exclusive invite-only events. It seemed like this person would get along with us — maybe even become our friend. Maybe, in the long run, this person and I would develop a close friendship after we put in all this work studying and partying together. Maybe we would find that our common interests yet subtle differences were more than just compatible on a friendship level. Perhaps, months into this blossoming friendship, we would begin to develop feelings for each other, but feel terrified to express it to one another lest we ruin the dynamic with the rest of the group. Maybe, one night, after the final, we would go out together and realize that we can’t live without each other. Maybe we would spend the rest of our lives living together, loving one another. Maybe we would get married, and decide that for ethical reasons we don’t want to have children, so we would get a couple of dogs and travel the world with them. Maybe we would have died as old, old lovers, within weeks of each other, having lived a full life textured with great happiness and shared sadness and long-lasting friendship and raucous parties and still nights in. Perhaps things could have been shining and beautiful between us. Guess not! ”

We hope you have a great rest of the semester completely alone, loser! Nice footwork, dumbass.

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