“I had a huuuge crush on this person for the first week of class,” Sophomore Isaac Newton reports. “They were really hot, endlessly cool, and seemed like they could never make such a silly mistake as tripping on the backpack that the person next to them left in the middle of the fucking row, for some reason. But they did! And now I’m so glad that I will never approach them or compliment them or include them in the thousand-person group chat we have that shares all of the correct answers to every homework assignment.”