BERKELEY, Calif. — During a surprise visit to the Bay Area, Russian President Vladimir Putin and UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ met to discuss the latest strategies for forcing people out of their homes.
“I just want to say to the shadowy cabal in the room with us tonight how happy I am to finally meet Mr. President,” Chancellor Christ told the shadowy cabal attending her mostly-private meeting with Putin. “It’s so nice to finally meet somebody who has just as much disdain for long-term residents as I do, whether they live in Ukrainian towns or community parks in Berkeley. Come on, buddy. Let’s dap up.”
Witnesses at the event were surprised at the Chancellor’s warm tone toward Putin.
“It was kind of disturbing,” says Christ’s advisor Ray Fakerton. “They finished the meeting with a long, intricate, and frankly sexually-charged secret handshake that conlcuded in a fist bump that nearly shook the room.”
Critics of Christ collaborated with anti-fistbump activists to stage a counterprotest to the meeting.
“It was perverted and confusing,” recalled one anti-fistbump activist who prefers to remain anonymous to avoid backlash from pro-fistbump groups. “The tone in the meeting was, like, wayyyy creepy. Why couldn’t they just shake hands like normal politicians? It’s moments like these that remind me why I fight so hard for my cause: fistbumps are never, and I mean never, appropriate. By the way, isn’t it kinda fucked up that they were so excited about displacing people?”
In response to public outcry, the UC Regents instated impossible-to-impose sanctions on fist bumps that appear to have made little difference in the widespread use of the gesture.