BERKELEY, Calif — Following another disappointing night, the Campanile is coming to terms with it no longer being as erect as it used to be. …
UC Berkeley Manages to Outdo Utah Valley University
BERKELEY, Calif – Following TPUSA’s penultimate event on the Berkeley campus, tensions remain at an all time high as peaceful protests quickly devolved into what …
Berkeley Bowl Opens Dispensary so Customers Can Finally Face the Parking Lot
BERKELEY, Calif.— In a move that has shocked exactly no one, Berkeley Bowl has announced the grand opening of its long-awaited adjunct dispensary, featuring over …
President Trump Investigates UC Berkeley, Cites “it just feels gay”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the recent TPUSA Stand Up Show-Charlie Kirk memorial hybrid, President Trump announced a list of schools he plans to target next, …
Report: Slack “@channel” Announcement Not Actually Important, Just Annoying
BERKELEY, Calif – In a totally unsurprising turn of events, the Economic Consulting for Consultants Who Consult Club President Constance Lee Ongline’s liberal use of …
Prop 50’s New Districting Map Revealed: Newsom a Little Too Creative
SACRAMENTO, Calif.– Reports out of Naughty Newsom’s office today show he took one too many eddies before drawing the new districting map for the ongoing …
Haas Student Uses Chat GPT to Answer Trick or Treat
[THE 4TH CIRCLE OF HELL, BERKELEY Calif] – Passerbys were stunned earlier today as Haas freshman James “Money Man” Niani stood motionless outside a stunning …
“Let’s Do an SF Halloween Bar Crawl!” and 10 Other Plans that Won’t Make it out of the Group Chat
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a once-thriving, high BAC fueled economy, Halloween was the pinnacle of profit among bartenders and club managers in San Francisco. However, …
Local Student Co-Op Threatens to Throw Halloween Party
BERKELEY, Calif. – Earlier this week on Monday, UC Berkeley students were rattled by the release of a rather daunting Instagram post. A local student …
Loser Freshman Still Doesn’t Have Date for Homecoming
BERKELEY, Calif.– While the brothers at AEPi are getting moms drunk at seven A.M. this morning, mega loser freshman Tommy Tinklepants woke up to the …