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Posted on April 1, 2022April 1, 2022 by: Vyoma Raman

Student Miraculously Cured After Professor Deems Them “Not Really Disabled”

BERKELEY, Calif. – After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super-senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor …

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Posted on March 31, 2022March 31, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

Frat Almost Kills Pledge as “Postmodern Commentary on Excess and Hedonism of Contemporary Society”

BERKELEY, Calif. — Following a recent hazing incident in which a freshman pledge almost died, Tau Gamma Rho junior and HR representative Bryce Chuck claimed …

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Posted on March 30, 2022 by: Maya Howard

Putin and Carol Christ Share Enthused Fist Bump Over Displacement of Innocent People

BERKELEY, Calif. — During a surprise visit to the Bay Area, Russian President Vladimir Putin and UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ met to discuss the …

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Posted on March 30, 2022 by: bennettfees

Belarus Swears Putin “Is Not That Kind of Guy” and “Would Never Do That”

MINSK, Belarus — Representatives from the Belarusian capital have reacted to the Russian invasion of Ukraine, which somehow just now heard of. “Putin? As in …

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Posted on March 28, 2022April 22, 2022 by: amychakladar

If Babies Aren’t Racist, Then Why Didn’t They Post a Black Square on Instagram?

WASHINGTON – Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, the self-described first Hispanic Asian-American in Congress, is under heat for asking Supreme Court nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson …

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Posted on March 28, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Will Smith Finally Tired of Other Men Screaming Out His Wife’s Name

LOS ANGELES — At this year’s Academy Awards, Will Smith open-hand smacked Chris Rock in an attempt to defend his much-publicized marriage to actress Jada …

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Posted on March 25, 2022March 25, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Lindsey Graham Faces Bipartisan Backlash After Advocating for His Own Assassination on Twitter

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., received bipartisan backlash after he seemingly advocated his own assassination. “My fellow loyal patriots — I urge you …

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Posted on March 23, 2022 by: Tyler Goldstein

Republican Informs Guy Robbing Him He Doesn’t Have to Wear a Mask Anymore

BERKELEY, Calif. — A Republican man robbed at gunpoint earlier today reported that his assailant refused to take off his mask, despite the fact that …

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Posted on March 22, 2022April 22, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Student in Intro to Tamil Suddenly Feels Pressure to Pronounce His Own Name Correctly

BERKELEY, Calif.— “Oh God, oh fuck,” were the only words sophomore Tirunavukkarasar Thamilselvan could muster last Wednesday when he was suddenly asked to pronounce his …

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Posted on March 19, 2022 by: toharzamir

End of an Era: Carol Christ’s Voice Actor Has Been Fired

BERKELEY, Calif.—Shock and heartbreak swept through the City of Berkeley as UC Regents announced that Carol Christ’s longstanding voice actor, Eden Zalahmi, will not be …

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