Great. You’ve done it again. Another year of acting like I don’t exist. What do you call it again? A “leap” year? I’m literally 5’6”, …
A Failure Of The Education System: This School Of Fish Has A 0% Literacy Rate
GULF SHORES, Ala. — As states like Alabama and Mississippi ban the discussion of ‘divisive topics’ such as ‘not being homophobic’, America’s fragmented and nonuniform …
OPINION: You Think You Have Imposter Syndrome? I’m an Invasive Plant.
Not only am I part of a foreign species, frequently labeled as “invasive” or a “fire-promoter” or “ugly as fuck” or “something a CNR student wants to spit on, chop down, burn to a crisp, and drown in herbicide,” I also can’t even do what I was brought here for. I am a complete failure, I do not belong here.
Lawrence Lab Releases Statement Apologizing for Misuse of Weather Machine
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following an abnormal snowfall in Tilden Park early Friday morning, Lawrence National Lab has come forth in a statement to confess their involvement.
Pope Francis Announces Beer is Now Jesus’ Blood and So Is Pink Whitney
“Miei cari amici, the Cardinals and I have deliberated, and have decided on a modernizing reform for communion. Whereas historically, we have considered only vinum to be sanguis Christi, we were forced to re-read the text for our R1A requirement, and we realize that really, ‘wine’ just referred to any alcoholic ferment – so we’re extending communion to include beer, and even Pink Whitney too.
Slay Queen! I Just Committed Regicide!
SHAKESPEAREAN LONDON, England — Here ye, here ye, thou doth not yet heard of the news, the queen is dead, and someone just confessed. “Slay queen! I just committed regicide!”, said thee O murderer Agatha Dick.
BREAKING: The Clitoris Found on Wuhu Island After Years of Hiding
WUHU ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – In a press conference today, Interpol announced that they had located The Clitoris, identified in hiding on Wuhu Island.
“It took a several-years-long effort by many of our top investigators,” relayed Interpol Chief, Dev Inatili-Aman, “but we found it. It was hiding in a cave in [Inatili-Aman is interrupted by snickers from the reporters]. What? What’s so funny?”
5 Things ChatGPT’s New Update Does Better Than My Father, Including Words of Encouragement and Playing Catch With Me
BERKELEY, Calif. — Holy fuck, guys. ChatGPT’s new update is actually amazing. While y’all have been using the AI to plagiarize essays and write shitty …
Dethroned?! Lexapro and Lactaid Beat Weed for Most Used Drug at Cal, New Survey Reports
“The chugging was insane!” exclaimed Ri, white froth still clinging to her upper lip. “This was the exact release we all needed. After the excruciating Fall semester I had, I doubled my milligrams of Lexapro. Between you and me, I sneak an extra 10 millies in every night as well. All my fears and assignments just melt away, and I don’t even need my bong anymore!”
Lost Your Clipper Card? Here’s 4 Phone Numbers We Called That Told Us To Fuck Ourselves
2. The Student Transportation Office: (510) 643-7701
Don’t be fooled by the name– like Voltaire said, “This office is neither for students, nor transportation, nor an office.” There is no telling what response you’ll get – they might replace your lost card, but not without a $25 fee that completely negates the notion of a free bus pass. And if you complain? There’s a tried and true response that they’re not afraid to roll out: “go fuck yourself.”