▇▇ is one of my favorite study spots on campus. Ever since I found out about this place, I haven’t had to desperately circle around …
Phish Concert Sells Out Almost As Much As the 32 Year Old Data Scientist From Walnut Creek Who Went
BERKELEY, CA. — Following three days of bedlam, UC Berkeley’s campus has been left strewn with debris from the lengthy, bacchanalian exodus of Phish fans. …
QUIZ: Tell Us How Much You Love Your Family and We’ll Tell You Whether to Get Them $10, $15, $60, or No Graduation Tickets
To celebrate the culmination of your four years of college, the university has decided to follow in the footsteps of Ticketmaster by price gouging its graduation tickets. But how can you determine if you should get $10, $15, $60, or no tickets for your family? Don’t worry, here’s a quiz to help you decide.
Groundbreaking! Shovels
“We’re leveraging the potential of shovels in a way that’s never been done before,” said Diggs, his eyes gleaming with the light of a thousand PowerPoint presentations. “Our innovative approach will create unparalleled value for our customers while disrupting the traditional shovel market.”
Fox News to Replace Tucker Carlson with More Diverse Cast of Racists
“Tucker certainly left some big shoes to fill, but I am confident that I will live up to his legacy. To prepare for the role, I watched thirty-five hours of green M&M porn and spent eight years repeatedly writing the word ‘woke’ on a wall and then getting terrified by it.”
Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson announced as new hosts of SNL ‘Weekend Update’
“It was the right decision by far,” began longtime SNL producer Lorne Michaels. “And I mean by far, like a far-right decision.”
‘Never Become a Professor,’ Says Professor to GSI Doing His Entire Job
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal history Professor Orn Ery pulled his GSI aside during lecture this past Thursday with some unrequested advice regarding their professional future, …
QUIZ: Should You Go Out Tonight or Should You Question the Meaning of Human Existence Alone in Your Room Like a Sad Little Loser?
Happy Friday! Woo hoo! Finally, after a long, hard week, you can let loose. Tonight is all about having a good time. Like those people you overheard earlier talking about some ‘big party.’ That sounds fun! Maybe you should go? It could be awesome. But it could also be super lame. Don’t worry: just take this quiz.
New Jersey Exchange Student Really Needs to Brush Up on His English
BERKELEY, Calif. — According to reports from his professors, GSIs, and classmates, New Jersey exchange student Benny Shoobie has been having trouble adjusting to the English-language mode of instruction at UC Berkeley.
“I know it’s not [Shoobie’s] fault for growing up in another culture, but unfortunately the language barrier is becoming a real issue,” said English Professor Cristina Matthews, who has Shoobie in one of her afternoon classes. “For example, the other day, I had a staff meeting in the morning and had to skip breakfast. By the time I was delivering my lecture, my tummy started rumbling really loudly, and when it did, Benny yelled out, ‘Jeet yet?’. Now, I have no idea what ‘jeet’ is, so I said, ‘I don’t know’. Then he randomly blurted out, ‘Jet?’ and I said, ‘Where?’ and he said, ‘Fugghedaboutit’ and I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my life.”
Report: The Hardest Part of Writing a Thesis is Not Telling Everyone You’re Writing One
When challenged on the flaws in Fournier’s analysis, psychology professor Ivor H. Tower, defended his student’s work with zeal.
“Ms. Turner’s own behavior demonstrates that the urge to share the details of one’s academic work, even in a negative light, is a universal human experience,” Tower retorted. “As someone with extensive experience in academia, I can confidently say that Fournier’s study is both insightful and valid. Why the skepticism? Academic research is fascinating and everyone knows it! The undergrads in my classes hang on to every word when I go on tangents about my doctoral work on the psychology of self-absorption.”