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Posted on February 2, 2023February 3, 2023 by: Abby Fisher

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Posted on November 2, 2022November 3, 2022 by: Tohar Zamir

Cool Friend Reinvents Hazing

The instant I saw Ash at the party, it was incredible – what a lax guy! Immediately he gave me a PBR, and then another, and then another, and then a couple more warm ones that he pulled out of his pocket; I was 3 months sober, but he knew I just needed to crack a brew and relax!

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Posted on November 1, 2022November 2, 2022 by: Maya Howard

CNR Student Provides Expert Opinion: We Really Needed This Rain

Many are calling UC Berkeley’s College of Natural Resources student Karly Mandel a hero after her comments about the importance of the recent rainfall in the Bay Area. Sources report that Mandel is currently enrolled in ESPM 15, Intro to Environmental Science, where she has become well versed in the enormously complex concepts at hand.

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Posted on November 1, 2022November 2, 2022 by: lyamashir01

Study Finds Most Successful Berkeley Student Just Robot With No Emotions, Hobbies, Family, Friends, Desires, Trauma, Opinions, or Values

BERKELEY, Calif. – Professors in UC Berkeley’s Department of Psychology appeared flabbergasted this past week when results of their research on characteristic success of Berkeley …

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Posted on October 31, 2022November 1, 2022 by: The Free Peach

Haas Student Wearing Everyday Outfit Wins Contest for ‘Best Bloodsucking Parasite’ Costume

BERKELEY, Calif. – At an ASUC Superb event this weekend, undergraduate business student Michael Kochnoffer took home the grand prize in a Halloween costume contest …

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Posted on October 31, 2022November 1, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

Cult Member Not Pulling Their Weight in Group Sacrifice Project

BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite being a long-standing follower of the controversial Happy Fun Time Feelings Always organization (HFTFA), cult member Daniel Coventry has been totally …

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Posted on October 31, 2022November 1, 2022 by: Tohar Zamir

Haunted House? Moaning Heard From Your Mom’s Room Whenever I Come Over

“Yeah kid, I don’t know what to tell you. We tried communicating with the spirit by yelling out, ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ and it said, ‘I want it right there.’” 

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Posted on October 30, 2022November 1, 2022 by: Maddie Heath

BREAKING: 5.1 Magnitude Earthquake Actually due to Roommate Masturbating in the Top Bunk

BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal Freshman Lucca Wallace was rudely awakened in a Unit 3 dorm by her bottom bunk rhythmically shaking this past Tuesday. Sources …

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Posted on October 28, 2022October 29, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

The Polar Bears Are Dying but Here’s a Whole Article About the Time I Watched ‘Freaky Friday’ on Cable

BERKELEY, Calif. – After a summer of record-breaking heat waves, intense hurricanes, and massive floods around the world, climate scientists are unanimous in agreement that …

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Posted on October 28, 2022October 29, 2022 by: bennettfees

OPINION: Boy Riding Bike With No Hands is Very Cool

His technique was clinical. The boy and the bike flew together in harmony. The velocipede had become univocal in the man’s being. He’s probably a Rhetoric major.

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Posted on October 27, 2022October 28, 2022 by: Vyoma Raman

This Article Was Written Entirely by AI

BERKELEY, Calif. –  After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor proclaimed that they were a failed econ quiz. 

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