BERKELEY, Calif. – Like most men of his age and maturity level, yet another Linguini-looking Diet Coke-addicted man who refuses to use soap to “save …
Berkeley Edges Spring Weather
Berkeley fucks me in a number of ways – the lack of walkable grocery stores, drivers who shouldn’t even be allowed to play Mario Kart …
Best Editing Snub? I Wasn’t Nominated for My Explicit Harry Styles-Obama Romance Fancam
While we are all aware of the inherent western bias and classist systemic issues of the Academy Awards, its biggest fundamental failures remain hidden, lurking …
“Call for Smiles and Positivity”: Chancellor Rich Lyons Shares Uplifting Video Message During the Armageddon
BERKELEY, Calif.– As fire and ash continue to rain from the sky for the 40th consecutive day, a distant ping rang from thousands of students’ …
Professional Yapper in 600-Person Lecture Really Needs to Learn What Office Hours Are
BERKELEY, Calif. – On a bright, early morning in Wheeler 150, Erm Actshually, a bright-eyed first-year student with too much 8-dollar Qargo coffee in his …
“Can You Just Watch My Stuff Real Quick?” Asks Student in Library Before Getting a Colonoscopy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Five random strangers in Berkeley’s new 24-hour library affectionately called “Doe” were appalled this evening after Defe Cayshun, a fifth-year senior whose …
What the Sigma? Student Jumped by Gen Alpha Gang on Sproul
OHIO — Six Gen Alpha students from Albany High School were charged by the Alameda Prosecutor’s Office with felony assault after surrounding and beating the …
Breaking: Supreme Court Ruled 8-1 that You Have Absolutely No Play. Alito Dissented.
WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a decision that legal scholars are calling “the most brutal ratio in Supreme Court history,” the Justices ruled 8-1 Monday that you, …
Free Speech Prevails! Destroyed People’s Park Site to Be Named by Contest
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their destruction of the iconic free speech landmark People’s Park, UC Berkeley reaffirmed their support of political expression by graciously allowing …
Karl Marx Denounces Socialism After Visiting Berkeley Co-ops
BERKELEY, Calif.– Karl Marx’s recent visit to a UC Berkeley co-op has resulted in the founder of the communist ideology’s decision to redact previous statements …