“3,” Best Random Number Generator declared in an official statement last Friday. The report marks a notable shift from Best Random Number Generator’s previous statements: “12,” “46,” and “7.”
“I keep trying to tell my mom that Rishi Sunak is just another corporate-backed austerity fiend who will defund public programs and oppose organized labor, but all she sees is a ‘good Indian boy’ who is Prime Minister while I am not,” said EECS student Daniel Anthony.
BERKELEY, Calif. – Members of the Applied Satire department were mortified early Wednesday morning to discover the floating Orb of Doom (no, not the Evans one) in the upper right-hand corner of CalCentral: a Hold on their account.
Fall is in the air. You can feel it. Leaves change from a summer-y, Michael’s sage-scented candle green to a dark, Homegoods Halloween candle orange. The air turns just brisk enough to bring out your regular black stockings instead of your fishnet ones, and the trees along Sproul Plaza start looking like the Whomping Willow from the Harry Potter smut you love to read.
“We were both EECS majors so we never left our dorms but then also wallowed in self pity because we were lonely. And that’s where GenSite began, to connect people in the modern age. Of course, it was originally more for incels like us to complain about how women wouldn’t fuck us but we’ll pretend we have any semblance of morality when we become so big that we have to pretend we regulate content.”
Are you actually graduating? Will you be able to function in a 9-5 work environment? Didn’t you start college like two weeks ago? What the fuck is going on? In honor of keeping up with the spooky senior spirit, here are 5 things scarier than seeing “View Graduation Checklist” on your CalCentral.
You love your grandma. Of course you do. When you were growing up, she made you delicious cookies and hot tomato soup and was an absolute gem of a human being to be around. So why has talking with her felt more… cringe than usual lately?
Third year Rylie Brantford was spotted by friends while frantically rushing to class. She apologized for her frazzled state as she ran past, explaining she was just “over-caffeinated.” In an exclusive interview, Rylie revealed she hasn’t had an ounce of caffeine today.
“The whole idea of astrology is stupid,” Madoff mused. “It tries to predict the actions and preferences of infinitely complex people using information that has little to no evidence of accurately reflecting the world we live in! Thanks, but no thanks – I’ll stick to the real science: classical economics.”
How come he gets to have a number with his name? Who are the 2,011 other Konys?