WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a decision that legal scholars are calling “the most brutal ratio in Supreme Court history,” the Justices ruled 8-1 Monday that you, …
Free Speech Prevails! Destroyed People’s Park Site to Be Named by Contest
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their destruction of the iconic free speech landmark People’s Park, UC Berkeley reaffirmed their support of political expression by graciously allowing …
Karl Marx Denounces Socialism After Visiting Berkeley Co-ops
BERKELEY, Calif.– Karl Marx’s recent visit to a UC Berkeley co-op has resulted in the founder of the communist ideology’s decision to redact previous statements …
No Representation Without Taxation? Bill Introduced to Tax the Unborn
WASHINGTON D.C.—Breaking news out of the capitol today, as House Democrats issue a new initiative for a “Fetal Fee,” also known as a tax on …
Fox News Wins: Girl Scouts of America Forced to Take Gender and Fentanyl Out of Their Cookies
THE INTERSECTION OF HELL AND THE END — In a stunning victory for the puppeteers operating the cast of Fox News and their loyal brigade …
Paradise Lost: Your Opps Have Returned From Fall Semester Abroad
A month into the semester. You’ve begun to settle in. You know the faces, the characters that color your classes. You’ve become comfortable. But then …
Python Commits Ritual Suicide After Attempting to Run 61A Midterm Code
A DIMLY LIT SODA HALL 320 – Tears and cries surrounded the halls of Berkeley early Wednesday morning. CS students and professors alike mourned the …
Lovebomb Alert! Acquaintance Puts Me on Close Friends Story
BERKELEY, Calif. — As some young lovebirds were enjoying their sickenly-sweet Valentine’s Day, several Instagram users had their love tested upon discovering that acquaintances they …
Professor Spends Another Valentine’s Day Alone in Office Hours
BERKELEY, Calif.— As his clock struck 5:30 PM without a single student entering, Professor Milton Keyton concluded yet another completely empty office hours, only to …
Feminism WIN! I Am The Emotionally Unavailable One In The Situationship
I was leaving texts from my long-term medium-distance low-committment casual boy that’s a friend on delivered when I realized I had made the greatest advancement …