WASHINGTON D.C.—Breaking news out of the capitol today, as House Democrats issue a new initiative for a “Fetal Fee,” also known as a tax on the unborn. The initiative, supported by most major left-leaning congress members, is being fiercely debated on the House floor
“If Congressional Republicans and the current President are going to read the U.S. constitution as the world’s oldest MadLibs, then it’s time the Democrats stoop to their level of intellect. We think this just might be the Democratic Trump Card,” explained the spokesperson for the bill, the ghost of former Republican congresswoman Liz Cheney, as the metal chains wrapping around her translucent body slowly dissolved with every sentence uttered. “It took us a lot to get in the headspace, though. We tried method acting by attempting to dig a literal tunnel to China in the Rose Garden. We tried burning books. Ultimately, it took locking Jack Schlossberg in a room so he could go to his Mind Palace, and that’s where he cracked it. If the unborn are going to have more rights than the people carrying them, then that makes them taxable!”
It seems the bill is a direct response to sweeping executive orders made by the newly inaugurated President Trump—who has proven yet again that the sequel is always worse—notably, his orders to declassify abortions as healthcare and to defund subsidized public school lunches. President Trump was also the first president in attendance at the “March for Life”, which he was nearly late to because he got held up at his NRA-sponsored rally arming school shooters.
When faced with reading the new legislative measure, House Speaker Mike Johnson had to sound out the big words before his head literally exploded.
“Mr. Johnson is going to be back with a solution to this just as soon as he reads the Constitution, and this time not on Sparknotes!” a representative from his office choked out, sweating from every orifice. “But this will not stand. The unborn have a right to live, just as clearly as those who carry them do not. We are a nation founded on inalienable rights and a representational government. The electoral college is how we ensure this, and we have elections that are decided by the people–except not the one in 2020 because that one was completely rigged—wait, um I mean—well you see, the unborn are human beings and abortion is murder but they are not human enough to tax—wait, ah, oh fuck–” Johnson’s representitive was interupted, given he also exploded.
Congressional Aid and UCDC Hill-tern Genna Zhou thinks the initiative is an excellent idea. “I think we may have just struck gold with this one. We’re appealing to the issue that this country was founded on—taxes—but we’re pulling an Uno-reverse at the last second!” Zhou exclaimed, the passion and zest returning to her eyes for the first time since 2016. “A.O.C. asked for my fifth grade essay on the American Revolution to help write the bill, and I’m just so excited to be of help!”
At present time, the bill is held up in Ways and Means. Notable contests are being made to the clauses which require the unborn to also pay non-controlled rent to their respective “womb-lords.” President Trump has not released a comment regarding the new legislative propositions, but that’s mostly because a White House source revealed he locked himself in the Oval Office bathroom and cannot figure out how to get out.