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Everything Your Relatives Fear About Berkeley

Posted on May 14, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Crowd Cheers as Acoustic Guitar Players Fight for Dominance of the Glade

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Posted on March 18, 2022 by: schaudhury253

“You Come Here Often ;)?” Asks Project Partner on Shared Google Doc

THE INTERNET — UC Berkeley sophomore Kevin Nguyen mistook his lab group’s shared need to pass ME 108 for something more this week. “Haha hey, …

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Posted on March 17, 2022 by: tomwickline

Hypocrite Alert: Berkeley Administration is All About “Student Wellness” Until I Need a Wire Transfer of $12,000 Immediately So I Don’t Get Both of My Legs Broken by Donnie “Thumbs” Carlo

Day after day, Berkeley students’ inboxes are flooded with emails referencing  “Berkeley Student Well-Being.” Campus administrators seem to be incredibly invested in the students’ livelihoods, …

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Posted on March 16, 2022March 16, 2022 by: anniebushh

BREAKING: River Of Scum Oozes Out of Haas Business School (Also, Water Line Broke)

BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …

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Posted on March 16, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

Stanford Version of CALPIRG Raises $10K to “Kill All Them Turtles”

STANFORD, Calif. — After a recent fundraising event, Stanford University’s environmental activist group STANSHART found they had raised over ten thousand dollars to “kill all …

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Posted on March 15, 2022April 14, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

8 “Crimes” the Woke Mob Will Cancel You For

1. Arson
Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now. 

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Posted on March 12, 2022 by: toharzamir

OPINION: I’m Not Gaslighting You, I’m Just Lying

Hey babe, I saw the rant you posted to your finsta story, and I had no idea you thought I was gaslighting you. The truth …

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Posted on March 10, 2022 by: tomwickline

In Right-Wing Tirade, Oski Defends Right to Bear Arms

BERKELEY, Calif. — In a Turning Point USA-sponsored rant on Sproul Plaza, Berkeley mascot Oski condemned the left’s disdain for the second amendment, citing his …

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Posted on March 9, 2022March 9, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

OPINION: Despite My Grandma Saying I Am “A Very Handsome Boy,” I Am Currently Single

War. Wealth Inequality. Broken McDonalds ice cream machines. These issues pale in comparison to the true tragedy of the 21st century, the fact that I …

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Posted on March 8, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Man With Imposter Syndrome Wonders if He Truly Belongs in Ukraine

MOSCOW — Proving his relatability to thousands of insecure students everywhere, Russian President Vladimir Putin recently described having feelings of ‘imposter syndrome’ following his self-admission …

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Posted on March 5, 2022 by: tomwickline

Student Who Drinks Whole Milk Needs to Lower His Tone

BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal sophomore Sigmund Lloyd was a bit too vocal in his PoliSci discussion this week, spouting dubious economic values while seemingly forgetting …

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