Upcoming Panda Express on Bancroft Offers Relief from Relentless Stream of High-Quality, Authentic, Family-Owned Local Restaurants

“Oh man, it’s been way too long since I’ve had severe, rectal-prolapse-inducing constipation,” said senior Drum major Hunter Perry, who up until this point had been satisfying his late night cravings for indigestion with frequent trips to I.B.’s, Chipotle, and the Taco Bell Cantina. “When I’m feeling especially masochistic, a slice from Blondie’s will suffice, but the fact of the matter is that most of the food here is simply too rich in fiber to utterly destroy my digestive system. I’m so excited for the bone-dry fried rice from Panda Express to condense into an obelisk in my gut and carve the Grand Canyon out of my asshole. I swear to God, if that shit doesn’t tap my G-spot on the way out, I’m asking for a full refund.”

“Did You Hear About This?” Asks Mom About to Tell You Something Blatantly Untrue

BERKELEY, Calif. – In her most recent Whatsapp message, Junior Jyothi Reddy’s mother forwarded her a news story about a Trader Joe’s lacing their Himalayan Rock Salt with Fentanyl and moldy shredded parmesan, followed by asking “Did You Hear About this?” 

“I tried to explain to her that it makes no sense for a grocery store to spend tens of thousands of dollars on fentanyl and then put that in their food to try to poison the people who give them money. She just kept saying that ‘it says it right there so it must be true,’” explained Reddy. “She sends like ten of these posts a week. I remember the last time, it was something about how Vladimir Putin was actually having an illicit affair with Ron Desantis in the Cayman Islands and the picture looked like it was made in MS Paint.”

New Study Shows That People Who Cross the Crosswalk Just Before the Walk Sign Turns On Have Bigger Penises

“We all know this feat takes ‘big balls’,” remarked UCSF testicular researcher Dr. Amadeus Wellington on Thundercock’s achievement. “But the age-old question remains — is there any correlation between crosswalk crossing time and penis size? Thanks to my team of UCSF’s top penisologists, that question is now answered.”