WASHINGTON, D.C. – The President has long been accused of “sucking,” of “horsing around” in office, but the Head of State has never allowed himself …
Campanile Sagging Totally Normal in Old Age
BERKELEY, Calif — Following another disappointing night, the Campanile is coming to terms with it no longer being as erect as it used to be. …
UC Berkeley Manages to Outdo Utah Valley University
BERKELEY, Calif – Following TPUSA’s penultimate event on the Berkeley campus, tensions remain at an all time high as peaceful protests quickly devolved into what …
Berkeley Bowl Opens Dispensary so Customers Can Finally Face the Parking Lot
BERKELEY, Calif.— In a move that has shocked exactly no one, Berkeley Bowl has announced the grand opening of its long-awaited adjunct dispensary, featuring over …
President Trump Investigates UC Berkeley, Cites “it just feels gay”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the recent TPUSA Stand Up Show-Charlie Kirk memorial hybrid, President Trump announced a list of schools he plans to target next, …
Report: Slack “@channel” Announcement Not Actually Important, Just Annoying
BERKELEY, Calif – In a totally unsurprising turn of events, the Economic Consulting for Consultants Who Consult Club President Constance Lee Ongline’s liberal use of …
Prop 50’s New Districting Map Revealed: Newsom a Little Too Creative
SACRAMENTO, Calif.– Reports out of Naughty Newsom’s office today show he took one too many eddies before drawing the new districting map for the ongoing …
Haas Student Uses Chat GPT to Answer Trick or Treat
[THE 4TH CIRCLE OF HELL, BERKELEY Calif] – Passerbys were stunned earlier today as Haas freshman James “Money Man” Niani stood motionless outside a stunning …
“Let’s Do an SF Halloween Bar Crawl!” and 10 Other Plans that Won’t Make it out of the Group Chat
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a once-thriving, high BAC fueled economy, Halloween was the pinnacle of profit among bartenders and club managers in San Francisco. However, …
Local Student Co-Op Threatens to Throw Halloween Party
BERKELEY, Calif. – Earlier this week on Monday, UC Berkeley students were rattled by the release of a rather daunting Instagram post. A local student …