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Posted on May 14, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Crowd Cheers as Acoustic Guitar Players Fight for Dominance of the Glade

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Posted on April 27, 2022April 27, 2022 by: amychakladar

Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store

BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …

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Posted on April 26, 2022April 26, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

BREAKING: You Need to Call Your Dad, He’s Lonely

EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the …

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Posted on April 23, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information

BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …

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Posted on April 23, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Elon Musk Celebrates Earth Day By Leaving

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Forgoing his usual performative grandstanding, Elon Musk has decided to permanently end his contribution to the climate crisis by jettisoning himself …

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Posted on April 21, 2022 by: toharzamir

BREAKING: Everybody Knows You’re High Right Now

BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …

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Posted on April 20, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again

BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …

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Posted on April 19, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Disappointing Dick Pic Made Palatable by Beautiful Cherry Blossoms in Background

BERKELEY, Calif. — Sophomore Richard Hardman relieved himself from the embarrassment of a less-than-impressive dick pic last Saturday by framing his penis in front of …

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Posted on April 16, 2022April 16, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Is He Hot or Does He Just Own a Printer?

We’ve all been there. You went to his apartment for the first time and just had to keep coming back. Yet one question lingers in …

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Posted on April 15, 2022April 15, 2022 by: Tyler Goldstein

Overworked Daily Cal Writer Didn’t Want to Be Saved

Let me paint you a picture. Every single week, you have to write a 500-plus word article (with verified sources!) that maybe four people other …

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Posted on April 14, 2022April 14, 2022 by: Maya Howard

Freshman Found Adhered to Floor of Frat House Just Wants to Go Home

BERKELEY, Calif. – Late Sunday afternoon campus officials responded to reports that freshman Cindy Falseton had been inadvertently stuck to the basement floor of the …

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