“THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I needed BANANAS and ORANGES, but instead, all I could find was a box of ‘Sweet Yellow Potassium Rods’ and a bag of ‘Sour Orange Citruses!’”
4 Creative Ways to Acquire a Trader Joe’s Sweatshirt Besides Giving a Stellar Blowjob
You have been positively dying for a chance to get your hands on a Trader Joe’s sweatshirt. The question is how to get your hands on one. While nobody should ever underestimate the power of a stellar blowjob — and if that is the course of action you choose then all the power to you, my fond, fellatio friend — but we do have some alternative methods so that all bases (interpret this metaphor as you wish) are covered.
Student Claiming Evans Hall Is Beautiful Diagnosed With Covid Due to Lack of Taste
Sophomore Mark Wright was immediately quarantined this morning following reports that he praised Evans Hall’s appearance.
Fuck it: Tonight, We’re Boning to “Busted” from Phineas and Ferb
I’ve popped open the champagne. I’ve dimmed the lights. “Busted” from Phineas and Ferb is still setting the mood, somehow.
Top 5 Things in Berkeley to Lick Once You’re Vaccinated
1. The Candy? Hole in the Bathroom of Morrison Library There’s this weird hole in the wall between two bathroom stalls in Morrison Library, and …
Girlboss! White Girl Upsells Her Vintage Y2K ‘Gua Sha’ on Depop
BERKELEY, Calif. In yet another win for women everywhere, freshman Camila Reefs has just sold her third ‘NWT Vintage Y2K Jade Gua Sha’ on Depop! …
Premium Properties Demands Gallon of Cum In Addition To 10k Monthly Rent
Berkeley real estate empire Premium Properties recently released new guidelines for existing rental agreements, originally claiming that “due to inflation,” they would be requiring “a half of a bucket of semen in addition to rent, as a precautionary measure.”
ASUC Election Results Leaked
BERKELEY, Calif. – After months of prospective ASUC* runners campaigning and simply being annoying as fuck, John Doe from the ASUC* Elections Council has leaked …
BREAKING: New Student Admit Confesses They Love to Go Out, But Also Love a Chill Night In
“I love reading, baking, hiking, being outside, drinking water, and breathing air. And can’t forget boba!! I also lovvee The Office, so shoutout to my fellow fans with an elite sense of humor :P”
10 Things To Do Now That You’ve Completed Your Lifelong Goal of Donating to the Big Give
Congratulations! After wanting to donate to the Big Give for months — no, years — you finally did. If you feel lost and confused, don’t …