BERKELEY, Calif. — AGRS 139 students everywhere were seen scrambling this morning after receiving an email from Ancient Architecture Professor Marcus Cognomen detailing their midterm …
OPINION: I Know Everyone Expressing Concerns About ‘Abnormal Snow Patterns’ Are Just Trying to Tell Me My Dandruff Is Bad
If you’ve been subject to strange weather reports warning of an impending snowstorm barraging locals with a flurry of white flakes, my bad!
Academy Award for Best Actor Goes to Me, Pretending to Have Done the Reading for Today’s Section
“It is my sublime personal pleasure,” Yang articulated, “to present this award for Best Actor to the student who gave the most convincing performance in their role as, ‘Person Who Read the Assigned Pages for Class Today.’ The award goes to… Tohar Zamir!”
Rookie Mistake: Polite Student Stuck Holding Door For Eternity After Being First One Out of Lecture
“JUST when I think I’ve got my opening, another student comes by! I could leave and just let someone else takeover, but wouldn’t that just be rude to all the other people that I didn’t stay to hold the door open for?”
‘It Adds Some Risky Fun,’ Says Berkeley Transportation Commission on Why the Crosswalk Signs Don’t Work at Night
BERKELEY, Calif.– In a recent public appearance, the Berkeley Transportation Committee finally explained that they chose to stop crosswalk signs from working at night because “it adds some risky fun that makes us feel alive on this tiny rock floating in space.”
‘Now Let’s Take a Silly One!’ Says GSI Immediately Following Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. – Beleaguered students had their spirits lifted Friday as their CS 61b GSI, Gray D. Naughton, announced a make-up midterm opportunity immediately following …
Male Berkeley Student Expresses His Love for Women by Dominating His Class Feminism Discussion
“It’s just so horrible what women have to go through in their day-to-day lives,” mused Lencer, cutting off the female classmate we were trying to interview. “As a man who values women for more than their bodies, I took it upon myself to share all the struggles women go through. Many of them seemed hesitant to share, holding up their hand and waiting for the professor to call on them, but I did not let this stop me from shouting out and sharing lived experiences for them. But don’t worry, I have a friend who’s a woman, so I get it.”
‘Women Can’t Make Jokes,’ Says Man Who Is Living Proof That His Mom Can
BERKELEY, Calif. — Local man Arthur Boisely displayed an extraordinary lack of self-awareness last Friday when he remarked that “women can’t make jokes” despite being …
“America is in a Truly Dark Place Right Now” says Political Pundit at Night
“Jeff is right on the money for a variety of reasons,” explained fellow Fox News host and manslaughter suspect Sally Stabs. “People need to understand that when you can’t directly see an object, it no longer exists. The liberal lamestream media is once again trying to act like the world is more complex than that. Honestly, this is why Republicans keep winning, because we know that the average person doesn’t believe in this hippy nonsense of the earth rotating or New York State homicide laws or whatever. Big light in sky go bye bye so that means it goes bye bye forever and we should all panic and pay Elon Musk to fix it with SpaceX.”