As we approach the IRS tax deadline, many Berkeley students find themselves first-time filers overwhelmed by confusing tax laws. To combat the deluge of misinformation available, The Free Peach has compiled a list of helpful tips and FAQs for readers.
1. Fake It ‘Til You Make It
Who can remember how much they made last year? That was four months ago, which is basically a lifetime in dog years. But do not worry, the IRS is not concerned with your exact income. It’s okay to use an estimate, or to round down a couple thousand dollars if you are in a pinch. When they ask for a W-2, tell them you are still working on the W-1. When they ask for proof of medical insurance, check the “other” box and write “mommy and daddy pay,” even if your parents do not. If there is one thing the IRS has no capability to do, it would be double-check financial information tied to your social security. In fact, just use someone else’s social security number if it gets you a better return. Worried about those pesky audits? Just remember, with a little bit of planning, saving your receipts, and using Photoshop, you can make all sorts of outrageous claims about your finances!
2. Never Give Out Your Real Name Over the Internet
Your parents were spot-on about this one. The IRS is going to ask for some personal information; do not share it. Your real name, address, social security number, and sensitive documents are all highly private and should never be shared with anyone, even the people who the documents are compiled for. If the IRS really needed the information, they would at least take you out for a sensible meal, like a burrito or perhaps ceviche, and have you home before supper. If TurboTax stops you from proceeding without the information, enter placeholder names like “Jane Doe” or “Killed in Action.”
3. Remember to Have Fun
Taxes are a team sport: you versus the federal government. The objective? A low score, like golf. Remember, taxes do not really matter. The US Government makes most of its income off of girl scout cookies and selling magazines door-to-door. Thankfully, this means your taxes are totally voluntary, and you do not have to report anything boring! Make sure you include some fun facts about yourself and keep it personal. Nothing wrong with attaching a headshot, a Spotify playlist, or a couple tasteful finger-painted landscapes.
4. Do Unto Others As You Wish Done Unto You
Treat the IRS with dignity and respect. They have to process millions of Americans’ tax returns, so only include the important stuff. If you choose to include a name, maybe just go with your first name to save time. All dollar amounts should be rounded to the nearest ten thousand. Attach forms from previous tax years so they will be familiar and easy to parse. And do not be self absorbed and only talk about yourself. Ask the IRS some personal questions too. “Do you have any pets?” “What’s your mother’s maiden name?” “What is your SSN?” “What’s your love language?”
5. Go Get ‘Em, Hot Stuff!
Confidence is key! If you believe it, it has to be legal and, by extension, admissible in court. You look good, you have swagger – get that refund money! Do not take no for an answer. Practice manifestation. Think good thoughts. Prepare bribe money. Hide it behind the toilets in your local Federal Building. Hire a criminal lawyer. Use your sexuality as a weapon. Sneak across the border to Vancouver. Wear some comfortable shoes! You look good! Remember, if it rhymes, it must be true!