BERKELEY, Calif – A recent URAP study conducted earlier this month has sent the Berkeley campus into a frenzy with its surprising, or perhaps unsurprising, findings. This study apparently concluded that the average male catcaller is statistically far more likely to also be great at tabling.
When questioned about the impact of his findings, head researcher Scotty Dean made sure to emphasize the possibilities of optimizing the process of tabling to mirror the positive results from catcalling.
“In our study, we had our male participants mirror these catcalling methods by yelling affirmations such as ‘Damn! That ass! And that brain!’ or ‘What I have to do to coffee chat with you sweet cheeks!’ or ‘Interest form isn’t the only thing I’d fill out…’ We were truly so lucky to have such enthusiastic participants, dedicated to the quest of science – really, some of them just went above and beyond! And I think by conducting our study, we found that employing those same methods of positive, extremely verbal remarks about someone’s desirability in a tabling setting is quite effective at garnering attention and then interaction as well. Sometimes those interactions may have resulted in some sort of verbal (and physical, but that was an outlier) disagreement, but I think the possibility for transferable skills is beyond.”
Dean explained more about his team’s research methods.
“Our conclusions seem especially solid, which I think is a result of our rock hard research methods. As a male researcher myself, I’m always trying to input valuable lived experiences (especially my own) into my work. I think it’s so important to validate the experiences of marginalized people and women, which is why I designed this entire study myself to dedicate to all the women identifying females on campus!” said Dean passionately whilst gesturing for a nearby female researcher to refill his ‘The Future is Female’ coffee mug. “I mean, who doesn’t love a stray compliment thrown your way? Like that’s why fema-, sorry, women are always talking about this issue, you know? If you just listen to them, they’re saying ‘more! more! we want to be appreciated!’”
At the end of this interview, Dean reiterated how the real world implications of this study would be unparalleled and subsequently informed news publications of campus wide plans to implement these findings into mandatory training for clubs and other student organizations.