BERKELEY, Calif. – Last night, failed actor turned right-wing commentator Michael Knowles gave a speech on campus about “eliminating transgenderism,” 12 years after starring in a short film where he acted in several gay sex scenes.
“The trans agenda is evil,” exclaimed Knowles, to a crowd of annoying guys who wear bowties and have never felt the touch of a woman. “All of a sudden, these LGBTQ people are in our films, TV shows, and games. And it’s like, what does Hunter Schafer have that I don’t? Why are Hollywood agents hiring her but not me? Clearly it has nothing to do with my lack of talent and charisma. No, it’s obvious that the woke liberal media is trying to make everyone trans.”
Despite not being as beautiful and desirable as Hunter Schafer, Knowles’ desperate rhetoric has still found its place amongst an audience of hobbyless youth.
“I’m worried what those transgenders will do if they’ll be allowed to walk among us,” commented Knowles fanboy and Hustlers’ University Political Science student Gunnar Hunter. “I can’t stand trans people! They shouldn’t be allowed anywhere in public spaces, only in private, like in my incognito PornHub browser. And that’s what Michael Knowles understands. We should get sexual gratification from queer people, but also vilify them and federally take away their rights. So with that in mind, I guess I’m just your average small-government conservative.”
Following his speech, individual pictures of Knowles and the majority of his male audience dressing up in drag were uncovered, somehow prompting zero change in their transphobic rhetoric.