WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to legal pushback against his executive order ending birthright citizenship, President Trump has issued a new order installing immigration checkpoints at the entrance to the cervix, an initiative the administration is referring to as “ICE-UD” implantation. White House Press Secretary and side-part advocate Karoline Leavitt explained the new executive order at her most recent press briefing.
“Listen, fuckfaces, I’m here to explain it one more goddamn time. President Trump is delivering on promises made, promises kept, literal holy commandments. We are pro-life, in that if you squint, the ‘l’ becomes a ‘w’ and you see double, so the ‘i’ becomes an ‘hi’ and then, just insert a ‘t’, and you’re there, pro-white,” Leavitt spat, applying Wario-Elle Woods logic. “Birthright citizenship is blatantly unconstitutional, and since everyone is getting so fucking picky with immigration and abortion and all that, we thought 2-birds, one stone you won’t let us repeal it, we got creative.” When a reporter asked if this was tantamount to eugenics, Press Secretary Leavitt rolled her eyes, performed a “roman salute,” and left the briefing room.
President Trump has been vocal about the new order, claiming that “just because it goes against the constitution, doesn’t mean it’s unconstitutional.” When asked if he was concerned that attacking birthright citizenship could weaken the 14th Amendment (which also protects against historical travesties such as segregation), the President responded “Finally, you’re catching on.”
“Right now, we’re planning on using the Jewish space lasers to shrink the ICE agents super teeny tiny, the tiniest you’ve ever seen,” Trump pontificated, “and then we’re going to station them at the entrance to a woman’s vagina.” Trump went on to explain that they would be partnering with Mattel and ‘Polly Pocket’ in order to outfit the miniature officers. “We’re very excited for this partnership, it’s huge in that it’s tiny. I’m a big fan of Polly and her pockets, they’ve provided me with excellent gloves and mittens over the years.” A spokesperson from Mattel has declined to comment.
Some members of the Republican Party have expressed concerns regarding the ethics of this act, including vocal Trump advocate, Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “I’m worried that this is the sort of big government I’m supposed to be against, but when I expressed my concerns to Supreme Leader, uh, I mean, President Trump, he told me not to worry about it because it’s actually small government, because the agents will have to be really small to make it happen” Cruz said before a Trump aide shoved a token up his ass, rebooting the senator, and causing him to forget his morals and memories.
Leavitt has explained that the new order will turn sperm without proof of citizenship back at the cervix’s entrance, and thus encourages couples to have towels ready. When asked if the President is concerned that this initiative runs counter to the American way, she scoffed and threw a shoe at the offending reporter. “Give us your tired, you hungry, your huddled masses yearning to break free’ is actually an anagram for fuck you,” Leavitt said leaning against the large crucifix she had propped behind the press stand, “This is the first of many new and necessary initiatives to crack down on weak-ass border policies. Next, we’re ending that drink around the world bullshit at DisneyWorld – that’s right, count your days Micky.”