BAY AREA, CALIFORNIA — Well, well, well, yet another summer has come and gone, and I’m still unemployed.
Between the dipshits at [Insert AI Startup in San Francisco that’s DEFINITELY going to “move the needle” on some issue they don’t give a fuck about] who ghosted me after six rounds of interviews and the “non-profit” that was actually just two pyramid schemes in a trench coat, I am so done with the job hunt. Instead, I’m reframing how I think about job searching: I’m not a job hunter, I’m a job gatherer, and you need to be one too.
Why actively pursue jobs on sites like Indeed, Handjob, ZipRecruiter, and ForeSkin when you can kick back, relax, and let the jobs come to you? Why struggle with interviews aka competitive ranked lying when you can lie in bed DM’ing random celebrities asking for money? Why bother with writing a resume when none of it matters because some fifteen year old who knows the CEO will get the job anyways?
The point is, hunting for a job is hard, unrewarding, and generally pointless. Give up. Embrace a new mindset. The job gatherer cultivates a low stress environment by investing in pre-existing relationships. In other words, make rich friends, or constantly Venmo request your broke friends over stupid shit. Over time, those relationships will pay off. Or not. But who needs broke friends in your circle anyways?
Or, consider dating someone whose dad works somewhere cool. I promise, there’s nothing barely acquainted parents like more than being asked “Heyyyy, are you hiring? Just asking, haha!”
You could even consider doing nothing. In my experience, unemployment with no motivation is an excellent strategy to attract jobs into your life.
So, the next time your mom gets on your case about being a “graduate” with “no job prospects” who will “probably live here in our basement eating our food and using up all our hot water forever,” tell her to chill. You’ve got this, and soon you’ll be reaping the rewards of being a job gatherer.