BERKELEY, Calif. – Two days after a tragic loss to Clemson, four-star QB and projected NFL draft top pick JK Sagapolutele announced his intent to transfer from Cal. No specific teams are publicly on the radar for the Hawaii native, though discussion with head coach Curt Cignetti from the University of Indiana has been rumored.
At a press conference on Sunday, Sagapolutele addressed this decision, stating, “Fuck this shit, I’m out.”
The sophomore plans to transfer to a school where fans can make it through the fourth quarter without being consumed by inescapable doom. Looking up at the student section after yet another painful second-half interception, a tear slid down the MVP’s face as he muttered, “Dudes from the student section are throwing beer cans farther than my wide receivers could catch a ball. Fuck these hoes. I’m catching a flight to Indiana.”
Walking off the field Friday evening, sources overheard the QB cursing about “spending two years too many” at this institution.
The respected recruit shared, “Y’all gave me a golf cart and a whole clothing line, but you couldn’t get me a coaching staff that communicates well under pressure?” Devastatingly, Cal Athletics’ prodigious payment and worship of the QB failed to be enough to keep him.
Regarding fans’ intense and hopeful wishing that this year will finally be our year and Cal Athletics working arduously from last year to replace… well, everything, Sagapolutele commented, “From a new coaching staff to a starting roster, maybe the problem is just this damn school. I mean, come on. You guys only have three decent bars tops, and even though they’re always empty, they still narc out anyone underage.”
Tragically, even with his NIL money and $2 million-a-year contracts, the two-time ACC Quarterback Of The Week still could not bribe the Tap Haus bouncers. Or even a ref or two. Just like getting into an underwhelming bar, maybe winning a game is an upperclassman privilege for our star quarterback.
In the coming years, Sagapolutele plans to fulfill the Mendoza prophecy.
Does the Cal Curse truly exist? This is a developing story.