BERKELEY, Calif. – Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It’s a full-grown man riding a seated scooter at 4 miles an hour.
“At the end of my long day of swiping my dad’s credit card and uploading my consulting club’s confidential projects onto Claude, I need a reward. That reward? An eensie weensie $7 purchase on Veo to get me home 10 minutes faster,” said business prodigy student Cole Offis-Chayrebutt, “My reels are waiting for me.”
In a world where heterosexual women futilely wish for males to be providers, what’s even better than a man with a car? A man providing himself with a faster commute home from dinner, which, oops, by the way, can only fit one of you, so good luck walking.
“My legs are just so tireeeed,” stated anonymous self-proclaimed Alpha Male, “After a long day of Haas classes teaching me how to be a leader, my brain and my legs need a rest. Who knew speaking slower and calmly has a stronger impact than yelling?”
The man further states that there is nothing wrong with straddling the urinal and giving it a little love. Besides, it’s hard to doomscroll when one hand is taken. That’s a lot of thumb action many are not equipped for.
“All you people spend the same amount each day on your matchas. God forbid a dude wants to invest to give his ass cheeks a little rest,” he further shared.
Men used to go to war; now, they need a witttttle help getting home.
To get through this anxiety-inducing and time-consuming month of midterms, men around Berkeley express thanks to this app, whose screen time stats are second only to Hinge.