The Bible says to give thanks for your daily bread. It says nothing about daily cake, but I’m not taking any chances. In the words of Rick Ross, “IMMA EAT IT!”
But let’s get one thing straight: if you’re not thanking Sky Daddy for the best of his Creation before you gobble your Hinge hookup’s ass, then are you really practicing what you preach? Look at the title of this publication, for fuck’s sake— trust me, I know my way around a peach or two. Especially if it’s for free.
If you want to go to heaven, the LEAST you can do is say grace before eating sum. If you can give a land acknowledgement before doing unholy shit on Ohlone territory, then you can acknowledge God before diggin’ into some cake. Blessing one’s food is an art form increasingly lost on us devout Christians, truly.
It should be our goal in this lifetime to grow as close to God as humanely possible. If you can pray before every meal—I mean EVERY meal—you’re doing the Lord’s work. Jesus would be proud of you for spreading the gospel, and your booty call would be proud of you for spreading their cheeks. The kingdom of heaven is ours to inherit. So praise God, secure your spot inside the pearly gates, and spend eternity in paradise—where the peaches are plentiful, and every last one is free.
The next time you’re on your knees, remember to whom you owe your allegiance: The Father, the Son, and the Hole-y Spirit.
Amen. Let’s eat!