WASHINGTON, DC – Republican leadership was left scrambling after Tuesday’s midterm elections, in which they lost control of the U.S House, Senate, and countless other seats around the country. In response, House Speaker Mike Johnson has issued a formal request to retake the midterms.
“Look, we know it isn’t technically allowed,” Johnson said, his eyes glued to an increasingly blue map of the United States. “I know we had weeks to prepare, I know all of that. But you just- you have to give this to us. Please.”
Reportedly, election officials are prepared to reject Johnson’s request. The response from the Republican base has been mixed, with many simply declaring that “it is what it is.” Part-time President and full-time pedophile Donald Trump reached out for comment on the situation to our reporters.
“Lazy Mike, I call him, what a loser! I’ve been working with him on this for weeks, and he didn’t do any of the work,” Trump exclaimed, his eyes glued to a picture of Nikki Minaj. “He, quite frankly, didn’t even make a shared google doc, he didn’t do a thing. I don’t care about a retake, as I have a great grade already, some say the best grade, the best grade anyone has ever seen.”
Republican candidates like Ken Paxton and Mike Rogers have already begun to draft frantic emails in a last-ditch effort to save the party. Radical solutions have been proposed from all corners of the country, including holding extra-credit races in U.S Territories, or simply declaring this election cycle “pass/no pass.”