MEMORIAL STADIUM, Calif. — In a shocking development ahead of this year’s annual rivalry matchup against Stanford, Big Game has reportedly begun taking GLP-1’s after Berkeley’s newest Hydration Room location began offering peptides, hormone replacement therapy, and weight-loss injections. Sources close to Big Game allege that the beloved Berkeley tradition had been struggling with depression weight ever since last year’s devastating loss to Stanford. Between late-night Taco Bell runs, Top Dog binges, and Raleigh’s Taco Tuesdays (yes, alcohol has calories, and yes, those $6 margaritas do add up), Big Game had reportedly packed on a few pounds. Now, with the help of GLP-1’s, Big Game is hoping to slim down just in time for this year’s face-off.
“It’s like everyone is losing weight nowadays,” said one Berkeley student. “Rebel Wilson is skinny now, so is ‘Fat Amy’ from Pitch Perfect just ‘Amy’? Megan Trainor went on Ro, too, so is she really all about that bass? Is there, in fact, treble? And now ‘Big Game’ is just ‘Game’…what’s next? Will ‘Fat Bear Week’ just be ‘Bear Week’ in 2027? Is nothing sacred anymore?”
In a show of solidarity with Big Game’s weight-loss journey, Henry’s will reportedly introduce a new Skinnylicious menu alongside its traditional selection of tailgate food. The establishment is also considering offering zero-calorie White Claws, allowing students to maintain their caloric deficits while blacking out before kickoff. However, not everyone is celebrating Big Game’s alleged transformation.
“Cal football is already terrible and can’t win anything,” said another student. “We lost the last Big Game at Stanford, we lost Mendoza, and, even worse, we lost the Mendoza burrito from La Burrita. God fucking dammit, I miss that shit. God forbid I want to pig out on some drunk food. It’s my God-given right as a college student.”
If current trends continue, next year’s annual “Big C” hike may very well be renamed simply the “C” hike. At this rate, Berkeley’s entire identity could be on a calorie deficit. While GLP-1s have increasingly made headlines for their influence on celebrity culture, their alleged infiltration of Berkeley’s most beloved traditions raises an even more troubling question: What happens when even our institutions’ non-sentient beings succumb to diet culture?