BERKELEY, Calif. — Following their legacy of derivative research studies that no one asked for, researchers at Stanford University have confirmed that you (yes, you) standing alone outside Caffe Strada with an awkward smile, glancing at your phone, look like a complete loser waiting for your “friends” to show up.
The study, titled “We Felt Bad No One Paid Attention To This Guy So Figured We’d Make Him Feel Important,” closely observed you engaging in the universal ritual of pretending to text someone while actually just scrolling through the Weather app.
“The results are unanimous. The subject, often spotted shifting weight from one foot to the other, making prolonged eye contact with a judgmental barista, exudes an unignorable aura of desperation,” stated lead researcher Phillip Seymour Buttes. “It happens every day. They come in, order an ordered-hot, received-cold Matcha latte, and then stare at their phone or laptop, hoping someone will show up. Occasionally, they’ll look around and pretend to be on the phone, but they never seem to find what they’re looking for.”
The report further highlights the five stages of ‘Sucky Strada Loser Syndrome’ (SSLS):
- False Confidence: The subject arrives, convinced that their friends are just late.
- Denial: After looking at their phone for the seventh time, the subject assures themselves that their friends are just stuck navigating through the indefinite construction on Bancroft.
- Yeesh: The subject starts to scan their surroundings, making eye contact with every person who walks by.
- Yikes: The subject attempts to befriend a nearby pigeon with Strada’s Signature Stale Pastry Crumbs. In severe instances, the subject will begin to make funny faces at a little kid being neglected.
- Yup: Sending a text to their mom, the subject suddenly receives a very important call from their very close friend that totally exists, and rushes away from Strada.
Despite the damning findings, the research team at Stanford remains hopeful. Buttes concluded, “Our study isn’t meant to discourage, since we just conclude that the subject looks like a loser. If they were actually a loser, they would just sit in their room and study. Instead, they go to Strada so they can ‘accidentally’ run into people they know, which is the behavior of a very well-adjusted and normal individual with tons of friends who is absolutely not a loser. We believe that the subject will eventually find companionship after enough days loitering around in the ‘Leftover Beer Can’ aisle at Trader Joe’s.”