BERKELEY, Calif. – On Tuesday, Feb 12, UC Berkeley’s housing director, Glen DeGuzmann announced the school’s latest project, “The Wall,” temporarily offering luxury condos inside each shipping container currently constructing the barricade around People’s Park.
“We really wanted to compete with the quality of Units 2 and 3, so we felt that offering empty shipping containers would really resemble a step forward for Berkeley housing,” DeGuzmann explained in an email he knows no Berkeley student will read. “The rooms, decorated in various expressive colors and outfitted with personality only attainable with a hint of rust, span a staggering 160 square feet.”
Furthermore, rooms come equipped with various amenities, including coldness, depression, a local rat nicknamed ‘Carol,’ and a mandatory bi-monthly university-run meeting about the legitimacy of developing on People’s Park. While many were put off by The Wall’s lack of safety standards, others are eager for a tour.
“Look, I understand the concern, the walls are thin, there’s no bathroom, and if an earthquake hits I’m dead,” Sophomore Jeff Kingley detailed while desperately trying to get his parents to pay for the place in full. “I think many people look at ‘The Wall,’ and think it breaks health guidelines, but, shit, an unfurnished single for only $1600 a month and a quad for $800?! That’s something that I can really get behind.”
Part of “The Wall’s” drastic overhaul from shipping containers to luxury condos involves the introduction of a high-technology transportation system connecting the relative floors: a set of innovations called “ladders,” designed to match the efficiency of the BART train arrival system. While some of the cramped, 1000-person open-house tours have raised safety concerns surrounding the “ladder,” some prospective tenants, such as Freshman Karl Newsom, remain optimistic.
“Sure it was raining, and a few people tumbled three stories down like dominoes, but come on! We’re a public school, this is clearly the most funding Berkeley could have put towards this system,” Newsom claimed while nursing a broken leg at the Tang center (luckily Newsom’s Berkeley-sponsored health insurance covered 5% of the cost). “After all, they’re splitting their funding between this and a brand new 80-million-dollar aerospace college. So complain all you want, but I’ll take the trials and tribulations of the ladder every day.”
Upon hearing these positive reviews of “The Wall,” Turning Point USA students have started to look for future implementations of it on the Mexican border, looking to gain favor with presidential candidate Donald Trump.